Disappointment and misplaced guilt

Yesterday I had 3 missed calls from a number in Liverpool, I was working at the time and didn’t really give it much thought. Assumed it was just some sort of sales call or possible a contractor I am waiting to hear from, I tried the number but the call failed so just assumed it was some stupid sales call and left it at that. I had had a lovely 4 days off work, I worked on my vegetable plot and things are now starting to come alive. The hard work of sowing the seeds preparing the ground and planting up mainly done, so things are growing both at the allotment and at home so now just have to make sure things are watered and weeded, of course the next lot of seeds are in ready for planting out in about a months time to keep the supply throughout the summer. I enjoy it. I like the nurturing and the sense of achievement I have from planting a seed and watching it grow into something I can eat. It takes time patience and dedication. Things can be left to do their own thing but some things need daily care. Unsurprisingly then when I had K in my life my plot didn’t produce much. There’s not a great deal of expense, but compost is needed and grow bags. The soil needs improving as its nutrients are sucked up by the plants but £20 on compost was a day’s worth of gear and that had to come first or at least as I was fearful of reprisals it came first. If I spent money on me I would feel guilty. That’s co-dependency working it magic! It was now over a week since I had had contact, i was feeling relief hopeful that this time after I had told him this had to stop, I would not give him money anymore, that if he wasn’t serious about his recovery then I no longer wanted to see him or hear from him. We had made tentative plans to meet over the bank holiday weekend but I made it very clear that I did not want him here or to see him if he was using or was ‘ill’ or if he thought he could ask me,badger me into giving him cash. It was not my doing he had no food or tobacco ( the most recent mode of manipulation to get money from me) he had to look out for himself now as he had made that choice when he came out of jail to start using again. And apart from others asking if I had heard from him I gave him little thought. In fact I was celebrating my ( misplaced) victory thinking at last he’s leaving me alone! He believes me – that I won’t give in to him any more! 

Of course I say misplaced victory, because nothing was really further than the truth! And hence my disappointment.

I was just watching TV when the mysterious Liverpool number called again. I picked up it was K. So my mind started to race where is he why is he calling from Liverpool had he got into the detox place he was in before over there? Nope back in jail. Recalled which apparently was very unfair (?) I did say well it is kinda your fault, you broke the law you didn’t follow the drug rehab order if you continued to use so don’t be surprised! Of course then the credit was about to run out as I hadn’t supported his warped mind set! Would I stay in touch?? I will write I said. So disappointed in him? No disappointed in me? Yes because I wrongly was feeling a bit smug that this time sticking to my guns had worked but in reality he was in jail! Pfft 🙄 also I know I shouldn’t have said I would write. But at least if he’s in there I will have peace and will be able to focus on me and my recovery. I find it easier when he’s away. I got a lot stronger last time, and know that this time it will be easier too. So even if I did slip back a little bit this time I am further on so can make even more progress. I am mindful not to believe his ‘this time will be a fresh start’. It might be but that’s his business not mine. My fresh start is already on its way. 


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