Consequences 

Things in life don’t always go as we want planned or even think! Life serves something up and we deal with it as best we can. Sometimes it’s expected sometimes it’s out of the blue, sometimes we have to face disappointments, sometimes we have to take life on life’s terms. Sometimes people do things you don’t like. Sometimes people do the best they can to get by given the circumstances. Sometimes your gut reaction is right sometimes it’s wrong ( mine is rarely wrong). Things are sent to try you, things are sent to make you happy, things are sent to confuse or test you. Living in recovery is a maze of what ifs? should i’s? shouldn’t I? Living in recovery you are tested every single day every hour every minute. Consequences from my actions consequences from others actions it’s always in the for front of my mind. If I say that how will it be perceived? If I do that how will it be perceived? Is that being co-dependent? Is that just being nice and human? What will happen if I do this? If I don’t do that what are the consequences and what will the impact be for me for the other person? 

These as the questions you ask your self when you try to get out of co-dependency but are still involved with the addict in your life. 

I have made some hard choices, not to enable one of them. I know I am still very much still in the co-de mind set because I still feel guilt for not helping out more. I am seeing the consequences of not enabling and I don’t like it. I don’t like the choices that he has made because I am working on me. I feel guilt for not helping him more and today saw the consequences of my not enabling. Ok no that’s not true, I saw the consequences for the choices he has made because I haven’t enabled him. And that leads to guilt if I am honest. Part of me knows it matters not if I provide money for drugs or not he will always be an addict. He repeats the same behaviours over and over. When I enabled him financially he stayed out of trouble with law for nearly 2 years. When ever I stop paying for his drugs it doesn’t stop him from using he just finds other ways to get the money he needs. He then ends up in jail. I don’t need to feel guilty about that of course but that’s the madness of co-dependency and addiction because I do feel guilty. Misconstrued feelings of responsibility guilt and it’s somehow my fault. Don’t get me wrong I know it’s not my fault if another gets into trouble through their own choices – but I don’t know if you are living in addiction you actually have choices. 

Let’s just look at what happens when you go to prison for some drug related crime….heroin related crime….you can do your rattle but will be offered subies spice even the real thing for a price, you can get a script after a couple of days (methadone) which for most addicts is worse to get off  than heroin. But if you choose that root but misbehave it’s withdrawn. So have to rattle off that no support no mental health services in a jail full of druggies offering you God knows what trying your best to be clean and off it all when you get out. But after being on it for so long you can’t cope with all the feelings and thoughts you start to feel, you get released no money for a month ( if you are on sick benefit) have to fill out all these forms again when your literacy levels aren’t too good have to wait 4 days before you get a food hand out, no money no food too many feelings emotionally to cope with no services to support you apart from probation that you have to get too, or you will be recalled but because of cuts you have to somehow get 20 miles away to an appointment, so when you have no one to help you you’re  mentally struggling you have less than a handful of people that you can call on because the only people you know are drug users or sellers you desperately want to stay clean but can’t cope with all the feelings and emotions physically you know you can’t go back to drugs and put your body through this again but mentally you just need some peace….and there you are back in the cycle stealing for a couple of bags just so you can get a bit of sleep and before you know it are back in active addiction and doing what you have to get the next bag. 

So knowing all that If I have slipped him the odd tenner don’t sit in judgement. When you have walked my path or his  then you can. However his actions create his own consequences as do my own. I am mindful not to send mixed messages I always say and explain my reasons. I buy food and burn for him but try to avoid giving him hard cash. It’s a tightrope like I said in my last post 😔 but yet again I have slipped back into talking about him! Oops that wasn’t meant to happen! But my journey is intrinsically linked into his. 

Thanks for reading 

Hope X  

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Consequences 

    1. Do you think so? I have asked myself that question and I might have at the beginning but I find it tiring. I actually like order and routine. I am resentful for the way he makes me feel and the chaos his life style brings. I haven’t been enabling him this time And his behaviour has landed him back in jail. Hence my guilt. Co dependency sucks wanting to fix stuff all the time and trying to fight it and get into letting go. So yes I got addicted to the drama 4 years ago but now no
      But now you will say I am in denial? I am trying to let go tbh there is no enjoyment in this only hurt but like that bag or stone we keep going back thinking we can control it and everything will be ok this time 😔

      Like

  1. ‘but I don’t know if you are living in addiction you actually have choices’ …. I thought co-dependency was your addiction, are you saying you don’t have a choice? or does that only apply to K? It scares me when I see you justifying both your lapses. Just as your life is impacted by K your family and friends have their life impacted by you. Sometimes I wish I could go to Nar-anon because I love you and I am devastated each time I read your blog and hear you going backwards, the ripples of K’s addiction reach much further than your door, and as your sister I feel such guilt that I can’t keep you safe. Maybe if you could help me to understand how to help you, you could end up helping yourself too? Please remember what I said to you and I am always at the end of the phone. I pray for you both xx

    Like

    1. Obviously my post wasn’t clear – I was talking about my experience of K addiction since being released from prison. His choices I think I have only made positive choices, in the main, I don’t see how you can say I am going backwards when I recognise what I did in the past and am addressing it now and am no way anywhere as bad is I was. there is nothing stopping you joining Nar-anon if you think you have been affected by another’s drug use. I acknowledge the ripple affect. And of course I feel guilt towards everyone I have affected. When I get to that step I will try to make amends too all. I have to say I am helping myself 2 years ago I would never have said no to any of his requests surely you can’t think I am wrong helping him out when he had no food phone credit or money? That’s just decency not enabling. I help u out u helped me out. I am having to retrain myself after years of being a people pleaser it’s hard it’s alien to me but I am trying. You can help me to help myself by recognising the achievements I have made how ever small by for example allowing K to find his own money for drugs for not checking up on him 24/7 allowing him to fend for himself and end up back in court yesterday and not getting involved. Thank you for your concern I know you worry but look for the small positive steps I have made and I apologies if th post wasn’t clear who I was talking about – I was trying to make it generic and not put names or personalities to it X

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s