When I read others blogs i often find myself identifying with their posts especially those that are on the receiving end of addiction. As with the rooms I don’t feel so alone in a confusing world that sometimes gives us contradictory messages. I have tried out of respect for the addict in my life to keep the focus on me in my last few posts. 1 because I know it upsets him that I talk to the world about his struggles 2 because it’s only right I should focus on me but sometimes certain behaviours will mean I have to mention him because it’s how I deal with it or am learning to deal with them.
In fear of repeating myself ( maybe I am just reaffirming my thoughts here) the last couple of weeks have been hard to deal with. I have been blessed to learn and recognise what I find acceptable and what I don’t what I can make comment on and what doesn’t have my name on it so need to keep my nose out. It’s hard and sometimes the boundaries get blurred. Take his relapse. I know he has relapsed, it is disappointing for me but not unexpected. I don’t know for certain what he is using but he has told me he has relapsed so I assume he’s back on the heroin. This then throws up a dilemma for me. I have said since he came out of prison that I would not support him financially. I have given him the odd tenner he never asks for £10 maybe 5 or even 3 so he can get some food but I knew it wasn’t for food. He has poorly legs and feet from running around doing what he does to get drugs and his refusal to stay in bed for a couple of days meant they got worse. Now he is on antibiotics with possible blood poisoning but still the call is too strong. He is a hopeless case. I hope though that I am not. I will see him this weekend and will see just what state of mind and body he is in, but I can’t and won’t go back to giving him money for drugs (or now I know he’s using for anything else). It’s not emotional blackmail when he says I am the only one that hasn’t given up on him. It does make it difficult to walk away because I am not giving up on him, but have to put my own sanity first. I don’t want to know about his dramas ( self created). I don’t want to contribute to his death. I hope beyond hope he’s not too far gone this time as to him not being able to understand what I have to say. To understand I am not giving up on him but don’t want his chaos. I can’t go back to enabling him, doing things for him he could do himself. I don’t want to any more. That is the difference. I know how damaging that is, doing instead of being. He has to understand that this time I have learnt that I can identify negative behaviours that hurt me and hurt him. Both from me but also from him. Before I understood about co-dependency I thought I was doing things out of love, and I was but then it became controlling. This is where the boundaries get blurred and contradiction kicks in. If you love someone you genuinely want to keep them safe so try to stop the behaviour that you know is killing them, like you would try to stop someone jumping off a bridge right? But with addiction you can’t do that. I can’t do that, it has to come from him. How many times have we had screaming rows over £20? Because I was trying to stop him – I was skint too but even so I never just handed it over at the start ending up wasted so much energy just to back down and give in to his demands. Today he openly asked for money. Today I didn’t even try to say no I just said I will see what I can do. Why? Because I couldn’t be bothered getting into a state before work, I needed to keep my serenity, and it’s no good saying just hang up the phone or blocking his number he uses someone else’s phone. Once I have seen him at the weekend if he’s in as deep as I think then I will walk away. He knows my views and I know it was wrong giving in to him. Mixed messages and all that, but he was at least respectful. So don’t feel badly towards me. I am doing this in my own way. Trust I will not go back down that road of co-dependency I don’t want him to want me at any price any more. And I don’t want him at any price. This time I have the tools and am putting them into practice.
In hope xx