At the weekend I went to the NA ( London) convention…I was so blessed to be able to attend 😊 being in a building just bursting with recovery was so up lifting – I was going to say that experiencing so much positivity must be an incentive for any using addict to stop, but then I’m not an addict ( of drugs) so can’t really make that judgement call. One of the speakers came over from the US Gladys D! What a woman. She got it, I just wanted to absorb every word she said and make K listen to her, but of course he hasn’t even asked how I got on. And I am mindful not to bring up recovery with him as he then thinks I am having a dig or a go at him, so best keep it to myself and know from first hand experience if you want it bad enough you will succeed. Gladys’s share was awesome for many reasons, she had heard it all before experienced it all before had been running around on drugs from a late age in her opinion (17) a late starter, but at 62 she had heard and used every excuse going. She came out with them one by one, blaming this blaming that woe is me its not my fault I has beaten as a kid my dad died my mum died I lost my partner on and on and on, the same excuses I have heard and hear again and again, as will you if you have anything to do with addiction. She had stopped – abstained from using drugs went to groups but relapsed again and again because she didn’t work the programme and didn’t fix herself spiritually and until she did 14 years ago she kept going back to drugs. Not the heroin so she hadn’t relapsed really! Ha ha living that dream right now! Prescription drugs drink that’s not H so she hadn’t relapsed! How I identified with so much she said not from my experience you know I don’t do that shit, but from K ‘being clean’. Anyway she was entertaining funny and I think a must for anyone to listen to if they are starting out on recovery. What she managed to do in the nicest way was say stop making your excuses if you want recovery – only you can do it but you HAVE to go down the spiritual path, abstenence is one thing – living in recovery is something very different. So my readers if u are in recovery and not just abstenence you have my love and best wishes. For me? I am also fighting with my recovery, I am learning much and have had to put into practice tools and a way of life I am still grappling with. I have backed down a couple of times but am fighting and standing strong. I am clear of what I find acceptable and what I find unacceptable. Living with another’s addiction is hard but I have to keep the focus on me. I haven’t seen K in nearly 2 weeks, apart from a brief meeting last week, which didn’t work. I don’t like a lot of his behaviours and a dare say he feels he same about me and my new way of living. I am grateful that I have had this opportunity to grow as a person, to find out that if I don’t like something I don’t have to put up with it. Gladys said she has been alone by herself for many years, but is happy with that. I am learning slowly that I would rather be alone than in a situation that hurts me mentally and spiritually. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about him it means I care for my self more. I said a few weeks ago this was a slow journey for me as with my programme it’s at my own pace in my own way. I know many of you would like to see me by myself with out the hurt I go through. I am working on it. Of course ever hopeful that he will get better or at least find a way to find peace in his troubled mind. I am doubtful that I will see that so have to find a way to be happy – I know what I don’t like and what I don’t want to go through and that is something I didn’t know 2 years ago even 6 months ago. So let’s celebrate my achievements how ever small and for every day an addict stays off the drugs and in recovery and make every day a celebration.
In fellowship X