Is it really only a week and one day since K’s release? I had forgotten just how time gets so distorted when you are with an addict! I tried really hard – of course – I bent my boundaries in the name of trust/love, I still believe that little boy in his head means what he says. He has told me things he has never told me before has laid himself bare nothing held back…it has been emotional he’s cried I’ve cried but still the old behaviours ( both of us) keep coming out. Me? I don’t trust him but then again he gives me no reason too, don’t think he’s been sober since he got out, has lapsed ( expected that) he has abused prescription drugs – but that apparently is better than using brown and white!?! And now today he’s smoking weed. He uses my phone and my iPad and I can see his internet history, I wasn’t spying it’s just there! Dating sites! Well ok a dating site, just the log in page, challenged him he was sorry he didn’t mean it it must have come up coz on his FB profile he’s single – yeah right what ever! He doesn’t know about what I was up to when I was still married he doesn’t know that he’s messing with someone that knows perfectly well what the score is. 3 random women have accepted his FB friends requests…who are they? Oh from rehab…well fook me they must have been top and tailing in that bloody rehab centre the amount of women he was in rehab with! Apparently he can get any girl he wants – is that so?? Ha ha maybe but I wonder how many would stay and give what I have given? Now don’t get me wrong I am not being co-dep saying look at me aren’t i good I am stating fact! But I am not good enough for him. That’s fine coz you know what he’s not good enough for me either. We had a bit of a row the other night and I foolishly let slip I had seen someone when he was in jail. It weren’t nothing major but I liked the guy and he was the catalyst for me saying I didn’t want him to move back here, but K was pushing and pushing why he wanted to know why I changed my mind, I bit my tongue again and again until he said I don’t have to be here I could get any girl I wanted when I blurted out yeah? Well don’t you think I could get someone? Someone that might just respect me and not use me? Don’t you realise that’s why I didn’t want you to move back here coz I met someone bam!!! That shook him I know it’s not about point scoring but he got me so angry. I wish I hadn’t said it coz I really think it hurt him, but in someways it’s good for him to know I won’t take no shit this time. Of course since I said about it it has been brought up more or less every day – again tonight, because I brought up the dating site which I found today. No I reckon too much water has flown – trust which was fragile to start with by me can’t be repaired. For me to live a peaceful happy life I have to leave this behind. The thing is when he’s at his most vulnerable like now I get why he’s using to deaden the pain he has kept under wraps for 20+ years with the drugs. I actually believe he would like to ‘live’ with me and what I can provide and that he would like to contribute to that but do I believe he loves me? No grateful? Possibly but love nope, if a guy loves a girl he doesn’t creep around on dating sites adding random girls to his FB friends list, whilst I am bed. He says I am just as bad coz I met someone when he was in jail, but I knew this person well before K even went to jail. We just hadn’t met yet! In fact when I said who it was he remembered me talking about him last year, so I don’t know why he’s making a scene now. He’s allowed female friends but it would seem I am not allowed male friends and someone that shares a few interests at that!
No as much as I like him I think we hurt each other too much, I am not able to forgive him for leaving me 2 years ago, I don’t trust him or his motives for being with me, and today reminded me of the awfulness of the life I lived before when he was in active addiction the constant calls begging for money how he’s was going to give me the moon on a bloody stick if only I could help him out and when I offered to it wasnt enough….it had to be that magic £20! In some ways I am glad it’s happened now I haven’t got too emotionally attached, I actually know I don’t want to go back to it again. There is no bridge over these troubled waters. Today my HP shone bright and took me away on a little crest of a wave to the sanity of a still lagoon. I don’t doubt there will be a few force 10’s in the next few days so send me positive vibes.( if you don’t mind)
Here’s to my sanity and peace to you xx