Ok here’s the thing…K is a addict will always be an addict whether in active addiction or recovery. I am not a drug addict. I don’t really understand how he justifies using one substance over another. Crack over Heroin prescription drugs over Crack weed over prescription drugs???…. But really that’s not the issue. What he uses is ultimately his choice. I have no control over it. I can only control my own choices. My choice right now is I will not be disrespected I will not go back to how it was before he went to prison. Let’s not forget why he ended up there, stealing my car and phone then going on the run from the police ultimately ended up with him getting arrested for attempted burglary.
I feel sorry for him he’s lost he’s a little boy that was abused as a child and has been covering that pain with various substances ever since. And now for the few hours he did without the cover he couldn’t cope with the pain and hurt he has hidden for over 30 years. How do you walk away from that? That is my problem. It’s not that I am walking away from tho’. It’s the other K the one that uses and abuses me that is the K I can’t be with. Yesterday was horrible the constant calls until I capitulated and gave him the money he so desperately wanted. The old behaviours coming back – it didn’t take long but at least I was ready for them recognised them. Then when I arrived at his with food and belongings expecting to stay for the next couple of days and was met with no warmth it was too much of a bother for him to help me with getting things from the car all he wanted to know was what had I brought him? as I sat there after we had eaten and saw how my lovely little dog was in her bed how unhappy she looked how I couldn’t make any comment without him getting aggressive or accusing me of this that and the other calling me paranoid I got my things and left.
He still has things at mine, I will drop them off at some point when I have the time but the sooner the better, it’s just I can’t be bothered to pack it up right now. I have things I want and need to do, places to go this weekend. Next week I am not in the area but hopefully the week after. He’s sick and it’s wrong in my mind to leave someone that’s sick, but I can’t take the abuse no more. The drug use I can handle if it’s done out of sight, away from me, I don’t really care that much if I am around, but the consequences and the behaviours it creates in both of us isn’t healthy. The cycle needs to be broken but it seems I have to break it as he’s not capable.
The one thing I would really like is for him and for me would to see him free of his demons and genuinely want to be with me even if I was on my ass financially. I don’t just mean I be a bit skint this week but no work nothing on benefits skint and still want to be with me…I hope that won’t happen for a few years yet. Yet ever time he asks for ‘help’ and if we stayed together asked for ‘help’ I feel more and more used. I felt used before of course. The niceness the lovely words the caring nature all for a pay out, then nothing til the next time he needed to use.
I know I deserve better. Like I said yesterday too much has happened between the 2 of us I think to ever resolve this. I am sad because when he’s well and happy we get on. He managed for a couple of days to convince me he wanted to be with me was kind and nice affectionate but it soon dwindled, maybe that’s the drugs taking over again? I know I am fighting a loosing battle as is he. I don’t think he will find peace until he is dead. Maybe I won’t. Had a couple of missed calls today from an unspecified mobile number…probably him. You see in the past I have always called him the next day or when I have got home, or txt him. This time I am leaving it. He will call again a know he will. If I pick up a call then….then is when I have to say we aren’t any good for each other we hurt each other too much. My mental health is deteriorating fast. The feelings of confusion misery desperation are closing in and that is dangerous for me, that’s when I drink too much when I feel lonely and allow him to control me by being kind and nice and telling me what I want to hear, then before I know it am back to the same old routine of making a huge drama for the sake of £20 which I will end up giving him anyway, wasting my energy on making a scene that’s been played out hundreds of times before with the same result! Him getting his way me exhausted upset stressed and twenty quid the lighter, me going without the things I need not want just to get him off my back! Am I bothered he uses drugs? Yes and no I am bothered that he’s killing himself of course, but that is his choice like I have said – right now it’s his way of self medicating, what bothers me more is how I am pulled into a situation I want no part of. So I somehow have to put a stop to it. I am asking my HP to help me find the strength. I am off to the NA convention in London at the weekend but part of me is scared, scared I will see the successes make comparisons. That’s not fair is it? Everyone is on their own journey including me, relapse is part of that journey, maybe I should be happy for him that he’s not using like before celebrate his successes. But when his behaviour to me is so shitty it’s hard to celebrate much at all. I have to be grateful I have learnt some things to keep me safe, I am not perfect I never will be my progress is slow but it’s progress.