Not posted much recently….life was turned on its head then on its arse…normality what ever that has ensued…about to start a 4 day bank holiday break followed by the rest of the week off….release date in that time….gone are the days of a bank holiday bonanza down the pub loosing the days in an alcholol fuelled session…now it’s down the allotment, peace quiet hard manual labour. Just me alone. No one else’s drama no one taking advantage no on trying to get one over on me. People can try to take advantage but only the once – now. If I don’t like the way I am treated I move on. Don’t play the victim -me or anyone else. Treat others how you want to be treated yourself but if it’s not good or respectful then don’t expect me to hang around. If you want something say but don’t expect me to solve your life’s problems. If it hasn’t got my name on it I ain’t going to jump in to save the day. Sounds angry this post? Not my usual musings? Yeah I guess so…not angry at anyone or thing just voicing to myself where my head needs to be at – is at!
I have got stronger I have had to…too many out there of you are concerned about what is about to happen….I am sick, I am trying to get well, I am/have become a co-dependent in desperation for love and affection that was missing in my life I allowed myself to put up with everything you already know…but only I can stop the cycle….that’s where Karma comes in what goes around comes around what we do in this life will be reflected in our next…I believe in that I truly do but for this pain to stop I have to stop it I have to deal with it myself! It’s not your problem to get involved with its not your opinion that matters yes I might do the same shit over and over expecting a different outcome but that is the insanity of addiction – I have said it before and will undoubtedly say it again! But this ‘problem’ is mine and mine alone. Let me deal with it in my own time and in my own way. Don’t expect instant results God knows it’s taken me 2 years to get this far, don’t shake your heads and say I told you so or I can’t believe she has done that after everything she said….don’t you think I know it before it’s even happened! Have faith in me…how many addicts have said that I wonder? I am asked all the time to have faith by someone that constantly relapses, it’s not about having faith or not having faith and even tho I have asked you the same damn thing what I mean is eventually there has to come a time when we have to live the hope we set ourselves. I have to have faith and hope that this time K will not relapse. I have to have faith and hope that if he does then I can tell him no. You have to have faith and hope that I will.
I am not religious it’s taken me 2 years to find a higher power a power greater than ME, a power that takes away my arrogance my self imposed belief that I could/can solve someone else’s problems, a power that releases me from the burden of belief that I can cure something change something that isn’t even mine to change or cure! So as we enter into this time of new beginnings this Christian celebration of renewed hope of being brought back to life from the dead, keep me in your thoughts may the light shine down on me may I feel peace and new beginnings or at least hope and rebirth in this next few weeks. May the God of my understanding give me the strength to stand firm, and if I waver do not judge me as its not your place to do so.
Peace out thanks for reading here’s to the new spring and if you celebrate then Happy Easter.