Sometimes loving someone just isn’t enough

Detatch  with love is something we learn about in step one. Still loving the addict but detaching ourselves from them mentally. Some times physically too. It has been something I have struggled with. I wanted to I have tried on numberous occasions, to mind my own business not to get involved with what the addict was or wasn’t doing, but my illness wouldn’t allow me to. I always wanted to know what he was up to,who he was seeing, didn’t believe what he told me, just didn’t trust him. Whilst he’s been in jail some of that subsided. I knew where he was but still was suspicious was he using or messing about with prescription drugs. Was he actively working on his recovery. How many times have I heard him say he wouldn’t relapse this was his chance to get clean and then the first thing he does is go get a bag? Well every time he has been released from custody/jail he has, so that made me think am I wrong to assume this time won’t  be different? I hate not having faith. I have tried so hard to believe he means it. I tried not to question him or his motives. Then I think of the impact that will have on us both. Me constantly looking for clues that he is using checking up on him, jeez if someone did that to me I would go insane! Do I want to live like that? Would he? No is the simple answer. Trust is like a piece of paper. Screw it up flatten it out the creases are still there, it can never go back to how it was. Can I live with that? Always wondering is he about to relapse? is he going to see her again?  No is the simple answer. So what can I do….in less than a month he is meant to be moving back here. I never wanted that we even discussed him getting a half way house to make sure he stayed clean and we could build on that, see if we could rebuild the trust. But no he didn’t want that. Of course not that would mean having to look after himself! But who’s looking after me?? Apart from me? Actually that’s ok! But you know sometimes it’s nice just to be equal with someone looking out for each other! 

No for me to live a healthy happy life I have to Detatch completely. It’s hard you know because there are so many layers to this. Firstly it sounds like I don’t believe him when he says he won’t relapse. I want to believe that this is the time but history has proved otherwise. That makes me feel bad for him and bad I don’t have faith in him. Secondly I know I will be suspicious of what he’s up to and doing that will lead to arguments possibly the police and recall to jail, again that is not fair on him nor is it healthy for either of us to live like that. Thirdly I don’t actually believe he loves me in the way I want him too, again not healthy for me to live a lie for the sake of spending time with him. Why would I want to live like that? I told him how I felt and all he said was I cant be what you want me to be! So today I have reclaimed my life I have detached with love I hope he succeeds and proves me wrong. That would be a great gift for him. I place him in the hands of his HP to look after him, I am not responsible for his life choices but I am my own. I think I have done all I can to support him but now it’s time to look after me. A lot has happened in this last year since he moved back in,  But one thing seems to have a recurring theme when K is involved in my life chaos and heart break are usually not far behind. Maybe it’s an addict thing this drama. Am I wrong to want a quiet life? Am I wrong to want to live in peace and who knows maybe meet someone that’s interested in me for me and not what they can get or benefit from being with me? I am sure that those of you that have been reading my blog and know me personally are hoping that this time I mean it! So do I reader, but the hard bit is done, he’s been told it’s over. I also feel bad because it’s in a letter so you will know of it before him. But I couldn’t wait another week to see him to tell him face to face as time is so short to sort out accommodation. Will he let it go without a fight? I don’t know that’s how little I really know how he feels about me! Anyone can say they love you but showing it is a different matter, he’s not shown me much. Do I think this will be the end of it? No my friend I do not! But he’s a survivor has had to be. If you ever read this K it’s been interesting, I have learnt much. I am now on a journey of spiritual healing that I would probably never made if I hadn’t met you. I would never have started my blog and all the things that have come from that, so I have to thank you for coming into my life if only to get me where we are now. We had some good times some happy times but equally some bloody awful times. I  wish you nothing  but happiness good fortune and recovery. You made a huge impression on me that’s for sure. But sometimes loving someone just isn’t enough xx

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