looking back looking forward 

  
One or 2 of the bloggers I follow are reposting stuff, it’s great to read how they have come on on their journeys. I was thinking of doing the same but to be honest I don’t think it would achieve anything. Yes I can see how I have definitely 

come along way, but I found it a bit – I don’t know – depressing? What I can see is how sick I was. Some say codependency isn’t an illness, but if I follow the 12 step programme I have to accept I was sick. My sickness was ( and will be for time to come yet) codependency.  I was the victim, I wrote my blog as the victim! Poor me I have done all this great stuff for someone that doesn’t appreciate it,  put up with all this shit,  been cheated on been dumped had my belongings stolen BUT I allowed it to happen. I whined and moaned I played around with my programme but until I read Melodie Beatie’s Codependent no more I hadn’t a clue! I hope you will have seen a change in my posts over the last month or so I know I am changing – now I am getting stronger in the right way because I see what had happened to me. I am no longer the hard done to because he did nothing (apart from the stealing) but take what I was  willing to  give in the start. I won’t go into the ins and outs of codependency the books are out there if you are interested but when you live with an addict there comes a time when it changes from giving freely because that’s your human nature the way you are loving and generous to where it becomes a situation that annoys the fuck out of you, you become resentful hateful feel powerless hopeless you feel as though you are being taken advantage of you hate the addict but still love the person you met so you stick around trying to make them change to become the person you met. It’s not about self respect or being needy, it’s about not giving up after all you have been thro how can you – the promise of rehab detox it holds you there getting sicker and sicker loosing your friends your family, eventually your self respect and self worth and then what? Then you have to stay to see it through, because you have lost so much including yourself. This is all you have left. I honestly couldn’t have put it into words 2 years 1 year 6 months ago, but when I read ‘Codependent No More’ everything fell into place.  I have a name for it. I can see my shortcomings, I can see my mistakes, I can see why I did what I did and why. Did addiction make me become a codependent? Probably not, I probably had the tendencies the characteristics before I lived with an addict, but they came to the fore given the right conditions. I suppose I had been lucky in my life that I hadn’t hooked up with an addict before. Had had pretty normal relationships in the past. So the tendencies didn’t show them selves. But reader I now know what was wrong. I may never be able to have a healthy relationship with the addict. I might have to say goodbye this won’t work for me. But that’s ok. From now on its what’s good for me first. I can’t be in relationship with anyone including friends that isn’t on an equal basis. I can’t be a people pleaser. I have to be a Karen pleaser. I don’t think it will be easy! I have spent 53 years trying to keep people happy and putting myself second or third or forth! But now it’s starting to change. I had already dumped a few people out of my life that I feel had taken advantage and I got nothing back. I wasn’t so desperate to be treated badly just so they were ‘my friend’. I would honestly prefer to be alone and happy with my self than pretend to be something I am not. In Peace and serenity x 

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2 thoughts on “looking back looking forward 

  1. I love this post! I love the fact you’re putting you first and your priorities are all in the right order! Well done! There has truly been a shift thus last month, it’s fabulous to read! Hurrah!! 😃

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Henri once I had read about codependency and understood how it had affected me I understood what I had to do to change! K is an addict he will always be an addict – hopefully in recovery – it’s complex of course but I was sucked in and did things all for the wrong reasons. Even when I didn’t want to I still did in the misguided hope he would see the error of his ways and stop being an addict. He can’t he can be an addict in recovery at best. I can’t eradicate being a codependent but I can stop doing the things that are harmful to us both but especially to me. X

      Like

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