Putting me first 

Today I did something I would have never contemplated doing a year ago, well if I am going to be truly honest something I wouldn’t have done a month ago! I probably won’t even sound like a big deal, but to me it is. It’s confirmation that I can put my self first. I value myself enough to know that although it won’t be liked ( very probably) my health and needs come first. The reaction to it will be useful for me too, to judge the coming next weeks. When you put others before yourself you eventually become sick. Co-dependency is a term that is used for people in my predicament – that’s the name of my illness. Some of you already know this I am sure. I have been in denial because I didn’t actually understand what it meant. But now I do. It may have been why I struggled with my recovery because I didn’t understand enough about my condition. Well no more excuses! So this big thing I have done? For those that know me on Facebook you will know I haven’t been so well this last week – physically I mean not spiritually! I have a cold – sore throat, ache, cough, in a couple of days it will have probably passed but today the thought of getting up getting dressed up driving waiting around going in then driving home just filled me with dread. I cancelled my prison visit. I didn’t want to go! Not because I didn’t want to see him but because I just felt too ill to go thro the rigmoral of it all. Like I say not much but it feels like a big change in mind set! I am not playing the martyr by turning up ill, thinking how awful it must be for him not getting a visit, so I have to go. Nope I put me first. No drama just an email to cancel the visit and sent him an email to explain why I had canceled. No big apologies just don’t feel well enough will rebook a visit.  Like I say I look forward to the  reaction but not scared of it. Before I would have been too scared to cancel because 1 he might get angry 2 he might think I didn’t care 3 I shouldn’t be so selfish putting myself first, think how horrible it must be for him not seeing anyone. No today I am focusing on me and my needs. I don’t feel well enough to go out. That’s it. No big deal. And yet for me it is. Not sure there’s any point in saying much more. 

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