Boundaries or ultimatums? 

Been a bit quiet on here for a few days. Just getting on with thinking reflecting on comments made on my last post ( thank you for your comments) looking at my motivations and how it all fits with my step work and my future. 

My visit was actually useful. It opened the door for us both to start talking about our hope and fears. It’s not easy in the visiting hall to have a decent conversation, kids running around loads of noise but we tried. It’s not easy for either of us right now. He’s not so well with his methadone reduction but sticking at it and so wants to come out clean. I hope he does for his own sake. I sometimes forget how sensitive he is now becoming as his own senses start kicking in. But won’t use that as an excuse if he doesn’t like something I say that is his view point and is valid as is mine. One thing I do know is if I say something he doesn’t like he try’s to make it as if I am critisising him or telling him what he should do. Maybe that’s just a defence mechanism? Maybe I don’t explain things as well as I think I do?  Before the visit I wrote a letter explaining what I thought was acceptable to me – should we have a future together. I am not naive he is an addict. Relapse is a real probability. Because of the chance of recall I wanted him to be very clear of what my boundaries are, then if he doesn’t think he can do it or live  by them he can make alternative arrangements. I was accused of making ultimatums. I just calmly said I am not making ultimatums I am not telling you what you have to do I am saying for my own happiness and sanity there can not be drugs in my house and I will not enable you. I am not saying you can’t use drugs because I have no right to tell you what to do with your life. I have no control over you only my own life. But if you want to be part of mine these are my rules. Is that fair do you think? Well it doesn’t matter – it’s what I have to do. Fair or not. Maybe he will come to understand that. It’s hard when you care about an addict. They don’t mean to do bad stuff it just is a symptom of the disease. We talked a bit about the fact he likes taking drugs but doesn’t like what it does to him and where he ends up. ( personally I think he’s still very much in denial making that comment) He even says if he relapsed he would drop out of my life again. I told him I found that too difficult just disappearing because he thinks that saves me from hurt. I told him that it’s worse not knowing if he’s dead or alive it’s more hurtful and painful not knowing than thinking of him using. I was careful not to give mixed messages but if he lapsed as apposed to relapsed I would sooner work with him and help him to find somewhere safe to stay than him on the run and on the rob again. But have to be mindful that it’s not my place to do things for him just to be.

We still have much to discuss.  

 I am grateful for my programme and my fellowship. I am grateful for my group and the wisdom and experience they have shared with me to help me understand how I have had to change. I am grateful for finding a power greater than me that I am learning to put my trust in. I am no longer responsible for anyone but myself ( and my dog!) I am learning to let go and let God. 

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4 thoughts on “Boundaries or ultimatums? 

  1. I think what you asked of him is most definitely fair and required for your health and state of mind. I believe that another healthy individual would totally think the same, but he is not healthy as you know so to expect a healthy person’s answer is not realistic. I think you have done what you can do, and now….as you have so wonderfully said…let go and let God. He will lead you in the next steps.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have been where you are for years. Loving an addict is extremely difficult. Mine played a great deal of mind games to deflect the drug issues to make it seem like I was the one with the problem. I fell into it many times questioning myself until I got educated that this method is part of the disease. After many years I let him go. We were apart for 1 year and he hit his rock bottom. It became painfully clear to him that he was loosing everything and he could no longer blame anyone else. He stopped cold turkey. I know everyone can’t do that and needs help especially depending on the drug type but what’s most important is if you will stick with him is that you don’t compromise your own sanity, life’s desires, goals and health for him. This is especially true if he just won’t stop. Support and love him; but love you more… Chanel

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing this with me and your encouragement. It’s always good to hear from others that have lived this too. I don’t know what he will do when he gets out of jail but I know what I have to do and if that means this time letting go I am now ready to do that. Thank you Chanel

      Liked by 1 person

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