2 lost souls….

Well 2015 has been turbulent to say the least. As I look forward and aback  I see time for new beginnings new endings. I have been quiet regarding my blog, but it’s been in quiet reflection, reading the blogs I follow, getting strength and hope from a couple in particular. You guys know who you are and I thank you, sometimes I comment sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I think I say too much, other times I struggle to find words to express how I feel. I know how emotionally stunted I am. I lived in a bubble devoid of anything much except confusion anger and sadness for many many years. I filled it with substances and unsuccessful relationships. My understanding of love was warped. I craved the closeness of company but didn’t know how to behave to sustain relationships either as a friend or a partner. Still don’t. A life of superficial friendships mistrust and hurt. When anyone got /gets too close I push them away find ways of behaving so they stop wanting to be close. I clearly remember when my life changed for the worse. No one saw it but me. I was desperately unhappy from that day onwards but no one seemed to notice, I was about 10 maybe a bit younger, but it was the start of years of torment, which carried into my adult life and is still around today. Now of course it would have been picked up – noticed in school, the way my behaviour changed, from a happy carefree little girl into the sad withdrawn person I became. Maybe they just thought I was a moody teenager? But inside I was so unhappy. I would do anything to try to get people to like me. But I was also scared. Scared of not being liked scared of getting into trouble if I did something wrong. Scared I would never make anything of my life. I just didn’t know how to relate to people. I felt locked out of a world and didn’t know how to find the door to get in. No self confidence or self worth I wasn’t even sure I would be allowed in even if I found the door. I don’t have that much now but it’s slowly coming together. I still mess up I still push people away isolate myself. I don’t often reach out to people for fear of rejection. If you’re  an addict or in recovery those feelings/behaviours  might sound familiar? My fellowship follows the same 12 steps as AA,NA, OA, etc because fundamentally whether our addiction is substance based or emotional based, we have been hurt, damaged some way. I got involved with an addict, not intentionally but I totally fell for a man that is still part of my heart. When I joined my fellowship I didn’t know how damaged I was well I did but I didn’t know why I was so hell bent on fixing him. Because maybe fixing the addict was easier than fixing myself! There’s a song by Pink Floyd one of the lines is ‘2 lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year’ that makes me think of K& me. It’s a clever line it says so much to encapsulate everything about our relationship. ‘Wish you were Here’ is the track if you don’t know it. Listen to it and you will understand. Before K I always equated it to being high and those not understanding how it feels. But I guess it has many layers or meanings. Being with someone in person physically but mentally on different levels or states of mind. My addiction became the addict or wanting to fix him at least. Right now he’s clean so I am redundant but not fixed! So I am still working on me. So that if needs be I won’t interfere but will keep myself to myself and well. And yet just recently I found myself interfering with someone else’s life and pain! Wanting to help fix them. Someone I know was desperately hurt suicidal, I jumped in to rescue! But at least I was aware of it, someone did the same for me when I was so sad I wanted to die, and only felt that this person deserved the same consideration. But I did it partly because I knew how I felt how low I was and just wanted this person to know I understood at least some of the hurt she felt. 

A work in progress, progress not perfection, so here’s to 2016 bring it on! I am better equipped this year than last, so let’s all embrace our demons give them a shake kick them to the kerb 

I wish you all a healthy happy and trouble free 2016 😀 

 

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4 thoughts on “2 lost souls….

  1. I can relate to this so much. Its rather screwy isn’t it – a screw up trying to help a screw up. You said it perfectly – maybe its because we don’t want to have to focus on ourselves. I honestly felt guilt for focusing on myself until recently I am getting better about it. There is a song by Sugarland Little Miss – I love that song because I feel like its me. Noone is going to love us like we can – well, I believe God loves me more than I could ever imagine, but not everyone believes that. But, if you think about who we are. The complexity of our physical make up, our character, who. we. are. as individuals. We definitely freaking rock the universe. Why do we try to sabotage our purpose? Whatever that purpose may be. If I have learned one thing I have learned this. When someone is thirsty they drink from the glass. When the glass is empty they will walk away from it or fill it back up. Relationships are give in take. If someone else isn’t filling you up ocassionally, or more importantly – YOU aren’t filling yourself up – then we are empty. dry. miserable. And what we think we are giving is an illusion. Anyway…we are a work in process like you say and I truly believe that is the JOY of life. Those of us who have been broken, mended, rebroken….hey, I look at it like this – we must be pretty damn exceptional to be broken, glued back, and still be able to function. We have character baby. You should see my 1890 home…Dear God. It reminds me daily how something so drastically imperfect can be loved and appreciated. I love you Hope. I’m going to call you Hope because hopeless is not what I gathered from your post today. Happy New Year.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Stacy I like the new name Hope 😊 I will adopt it. I have accepted that there IS a higher power greater than me at work some call it God but as I said to you the other day I don’t believe in God in the religious sense, but my spirit needs to be made whole again I must confront the pain of a child lost to become the adult for the future. Character? A shed load!! You bet 😀 so glad I found you sister or you found me? I thank our higher power that we have been connected. I am
      Not hopeless and with you on my side I reckon I could even become awesome 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. One more thing…your pain is your power. Your power fuels your purpose. Look at people who have overcome and most often times you can trace their strength back to their greatest weakness. Anyway. No matter who found who – sometimes people are just meant to come together – if only for a season. Have a wonderful day 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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