Well 2015 has been turbulent to say the least. As I look forward and aback I see time for new beginnings new endings. I have been quiet regarding my blog, but it’s been in quiet reflection, reading the blogs I follow, getting strength and hope from a couple in particular. You guys know who you are and I thank you, sometimes I comment sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I think I say too much, other times I struggle to find words to express how I feel. I know how emotionally stunted I am. I lived in a bubble devoid of anything much except confusion anger and sadness for many many years. I filled it with substances and unsuccessful relationships. My understanding of love was warped. I craved the closeness of company but didn’t know how to behave to sustain relationships either as a friend or a partner. Still don’t. A life of superficial friendships mistrust and hurt. When anyone got /gets too close I push them away find ways of behaving so they stop wanting to be close. I clearly remember when my life changed for the worse. No one saw it but me. I was desperately unhappy from that day onwards but no one seemed to notice, I was about 10 maybe a bit younger, but it was the start of years of torment, which carried into my adult life and is still around today. Now of course it would have been picked up – noticed in school, the way my behaviour changed, from a happy carefree little girl into the sad withdrawn person I became. Maybe they just thought I was a moody teenager? But inside I was so unhappy. I would do anything to try to get people to like me. But I was also scared. Scared of not being liked scared of getting into trouble if I did something wrong. Scared I would never make anything of my life. I just didn’t know how to relate to people. I felt locked out of a world and didn’t know how to find the door to get in. No self confidence or self worth I wasn’t even sure I would be allowed in even if I found the door. I don’t have that much now but it’s slowly coming together. I still mess up I still push people away isolate myself. I don’t often reach out to people for fear of rejection. If you’re an addict or in recovery those feelings/behaviours might sound familiar? My fellowship follows the same 12 steps as AA,NA, OA, etc because fundamentally whether our addiction is substance based or emotional based, we have been hurt, damaged some way. I got involved with an addict, not intentionally but I totally fell for a man that is still part of my heart. When I joined my fellowship I didn’t know how damaged I was well I did but I didn’t know why I was so hell bent on fixing him. Because maybe fixing the addict was easier than fixing myself! There’s a song by Pink Floyd one of the lines is ‘2 lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year’ that makes me think of K& me. It’s a clever line it says so much to encapsulate everything about our relationship. ‘Wish you were Here’ is the track if you don’t know it. Listen to it and you will understand. Before K I always equated it to being high and those not understanding how it feels. But I guess it has many layers or meanings. Being with someone in person physically but mentally on different levels or states of mind. My addiction became the addict or wanting to fix him at least. Right now he’s clean so I am redundant but not fixed! So I am still working on me. So that if needs be I won’t interfere but will keep myself to myself and well. And yet just recently I found myself interfering with someone else’s life and pain! Wanting to help fix them. Someone I know was desperately hurt suicidal, I jumped in to rescue! But at least I was aware of it, someone did the same for me when I was so sad I wanted to die, and only felt that this person deserved the same consideration. But I did it partly because I knew how I felt how low I was and just wanted this person to know I understood at least some of the hurt she felt.
A work in progress, progress not perfection, so here’s to 2016 bring it on! I am better equipped this year than last, so let’s all embrace our demons give them a shake kick them to the kerb
I wish you all a healthy happy and trouble free 2016 😀