Tonight has been one of them highs and lows type of nights. I completed another step on my programme so was feeling happy with my journey and what I had accomplished. Looking back over the year and what I have learnt and put into practice, feeling happy with how I can see things differently and realising that my qualifier for the programme was only the catalyst to an illness that had started well before I even knew him. That I have been repeating patterns that I had learnt a long time back. Wanting to please, wanting control, no self esteem, feeling like no one liked me so blocking out my feelings, being devoid of much emotion because it was easier to live in a vacuum than deal with the pain and depression I felt from an early age. Sitting in my room questioning who I was why so many hated me wondering where I belonged in this world of people that didn’t like me – teenage angst – maybe that’s what I put it down to. I will expand on this at another time, but tonight I also felt good. I felt I had achieved something worth while. I had to go to a meeting on Saturday. It was linked to the fellowship. But not a group session. I came away on a high. Unless you have been in the rooms and felt the love it is difficult to understand, maybe if you go to church you get that I don’t know, but in a room with people that have ALL experienced the pain that living with another’s addiction brings you don’t need words, we have felt the pain the embarrassment the anguish the worry the hurt we have heard the false promises the stories so even with out sharing we are as one. That is my HP – that gives me strength that gives me hope.
I felt good. So then it was with emence sadness that I saw on FB the passing of a dear dear associate. I would like to say friend, I knew her for many years. But we were co workers not buddies. We had had lunch together a few times over the years. She was such a lovely person, she had suffered much abuse from one husband. She knew and understood my pain. She always had words of encouragement for me through my struggles with K but never judged me only encouraged me to find happiness, she never said leave him, because she knew it wasn’t that easy. She always sent me messages when things were bad and she read this blog. Then would inbox me with her thoughts. My dear Monica I go to bed with a sad heart tonight. I know you are now at peace, and with the Angels as there is no other place you should be right now. I pray that you didn’t suffer too much at the end my lovely and pray you knew how much joy you brought to so many. You may only have been 5ft nothing but to me the size of your heart was that of a giant. May you rest in peace my friend you were loved by many and are definitely missed. It was a honour to have known you.