As I am traveling up this road taking one step after another I am constantly reflecting back and checking out how my thoughts have changed. Last night I met up with my sponsor we only got half way thro my step, because my thoughts had changed so much in the time it took for us to get together and for me to be able to voice my thoughts!
The questions we have to answer are hard they are deep and pretty philosophical – they really make you think. Because of the nature of my fellowship and because it’s done on Skype rather than face to face because my sponsor lives 300+ miles away I don’t have much access to her. Because of my lack of self esteem and confidence I don’t have the balls to pester her! To say come on I want to do this step so the time taken between me writing up the step and now is a space of nearly 3 months. My thoughts have definitely changed! Because now I have more understanding I guess?
Anyway I know if I don’t work it it won’t work and I have to work it coz I’m worth it ( slogans slogans – one step away from brain washing ) maybe that’s my problem – I am far to cynical too questioning? Don’t want to be, I even know it’s my stupid bloody ego that’s stopping my from progressing or if you want to put it another way my addiction?!
That voice telling me NO when I see how this works for others but yet I am not allowing myself to open my self to it. It’s so frustrating. I am no different than any addict struggling with giving myself up and living the life I want to live apposed to being stubbon and not allowing myself to change and believe in what I need to do. I don’t even know where this post is going but just wanted to get something down to make me think about what I need to do and writing it makes it real! Well having a tough week with work so need to give my brain a rest maybe it will become clear tomorrow!