today following my programme is easy…it’s not – but it’s easy to set boundaries to read to think about how I want to live my life, a life free of addiction, of pain, of constant worry. Today I am able to follow my programme only because I am free from the addict or at least the addict in active addiction. A few weeks a go I told him that in a letter. How good my life was, how I could do things for me, my life is simple but it’s more or less happy. I miss the good times we had together doing things, going places, but I don’t miss the constant struggle of juggling money trying to live a ‘normal’ life to outside eyes, hold down a demanding job, the worry of OD the worry of not having enough money to get to work if I was sent somewhere last minute, the incessant jealousy over his ex and the arguments, the police getting involved. No one in their right mind would get a buzz off that sort of drama would they?? Maybe as my life unfolded on this blog it made for good reading? Maybe it was shocking to see what someone you knew was going thro had been thro? That’s why I stopped posting the link to Facebook and other social media and only posted on the blog site. Because I wanted to write I needed to off load my thoughts and feelings but to people that followed my blog, most of which have had similar issues around addiction or genuinely were concerned for my well being, it felt safe, it’s wasn’t about others getting off on reading about my misery. I seem a bit hung up on that at the moment don’t I? The last 3 posts have been around being used by people, ha this whole blog is about me being used!
I will probably continue to revisit this theme as I get stronger.
He was upset by my letter said it was nasty. I said it wasn’t, it was my understanding of the life I lived, the pain I felt, the effect he had had on me. Own it! I didn’t need to sugar coat my pain, I lived in denial for too long, covering up my hurt until it came out in drunken anger and rage. That’s not living that’s existing and I don’t want that in my life.
My worry is now continuing on my programme keeping the boundaries in place not allowing addiction back into my life. I now have a completely different idea of what releasing with love means. It doesn’t mean I can’t have contact with him it means I have contact on my terms. But to have the strength to walk away from the drama. It’s about releasing my self from the drudgery of addiction. Of loving myself enough to not take second best. Last night I stood up for myself within the fellowship I was asked to do something I didn’t want to do and held firm. I hadn’t agreed to it, and I didn’t want to do it. 6 months ago I would have fallen over my self to step in save the day, so people might like me or even worse thought I was awful because I didn’t do it. The group could have not happened and it would have been my fault. But the group did happen someone else lead the group. I wasn’t forced or compromised to do something I didn’t want to do! It felt good that I had stood my ground, that saying no was acceptable. Not backing down. But more importantly I didn’t feel bad or guilty. I lead the group for over 8 months it was agreed someone else would take it over, 3 people would take it in turns I was not one of those 3 so it was not my place to save them. It’s not my place to save anyone but my self.
Just For Today I will have my programme I might not follow it exactly but I will have it! I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a life time!