well so much for writing more often, but then life kinda got in the way again! I came to the decision that as much drama I might or not have in my life it’s mine! I came to the conclusion that certain people I thought were close to me were probably getting a kick off it and have since distanced myself from them. It’s a shame because I considered this person as one of my closest. However they became so wrapped up in their own life I had the time to think about what I was getting back…and what I had. Living with addiction isolates you. You don’t want people to know because it’s all consuming. Everything you do is focused on the addict. Everything else stops…work family friends…you wear a veil but sometimes let some see the real you. It ain’t nice, I have shared that shit already. So when you let someone in its a big deal. When u tell them everything or nearly everything it’s a major thing to do…why? Coz you are talking about the addict the one you do everything to protect the one you don’t want people to know about what they are going thro’. Don’t get me wrong you are protecting yourself too, you know why! The talk the gossip the preconceived ideas about addiction, the I knew someone who’s uncles cousin smoked weed/took E’s/had a line of coke! Took an acid trip in the 60’s and still is in a mental institution…the usual shit, but heroine nah that’s big league low league not something that nice people do – people I know don’t do that…so u see we are careful who we choose to tell about it at the time. Some things come to a natural end friendships I mean, we move on drift apart or may be just maybe we become to realise that some people ain’t worth it. Take advantage. Get a buzz out of your misery but when they have what they want in life leave you at the roadside to deal with it alone!
This same person was the one that told me I didn’t need my fellowship any more that now ‘the addict’ wasn’t in my life I didn’t need to continue with my step work. And I held this person in so much regard I believed them. I had to start over like so many addicts I guess, we think we can do it alone but in reality we can’t. If we are not in the right mind set with like minded people then we can slip back to old ways and old habits. 12 steps has taught me that I can’t do it alone I need like mined people around me those that are going thro have been thro the same shit as me. But the most important thing I think I have learnt is I don’t need to be with blood suckers those that get a buzz from my life those that think it’s ok to take from me but give me nothing back, addict or otherwise I have no space for vampires. It’s interesting that when I was living with addiction this was his mind set, he didn’t want me talking he didn’t want me mixing with those outside our life, back then I thought it was a power and control thing, thought it was a shame thing, thought he didn’t want people to know but now I think it’s coz he could see the buzz outsiders get, the gossip value, people having something else to focus on make them selves feel better?!?
I have come further than I thought in a year I have learnt much but rather than focusing on the addict I am now at last focusing on me and what I need or rather what I don’t need in my life. I can say honestly I love my fellowship, they know they have lived it too. We don’t come to the rooms for gossip, for weighing up who’s better off or worse off, we come to share our experience strength and hope with like minded people. We focus on us not the qualifier that brought us there. At last I think I am starting to understand it. And now have the strength to turn my back on those that don’t actually help me in my journey. That is huge for me…I am alone I don’t have many people in my life so to turn away those that I don’t think serve a purpose is massive. But I have decided to be alone is better than being used at their convenience when they can fit me in their busy schedule. Maybe that sounds bitter but actually it’s just the step work in action, I cannot be used by anyone addict, friend, anyone.