Learning to keep my mouth shut! 

Well for many reasons I haven’t been blogging. Some in part is because when I do blog I have very little control over who reads this…that’s fine I have nothing to hide but some things might upset or hurt people so keep quiet. As I go through my steps I don’t feel the need to ‘gossip’ about my qualifier = why I came to NAR-ANON. my focus has changed. I started my blog to off load, to get my thoughts out I didn’t think people would read it! I didn’t think that over a year later I would still get told by people I know thro work that they read my blog. I was so ill I didn’t think it mattered what I said, but created a bit of a car crash TV blog what was going to happen next!?! I was the victim look what’s happened to me! Poor me! In actuality it was more about none of you know what I was going thro! I go to work I do my job and if I am acting a bit strange or was a bit distracted this is why! This is why I have no money this is why I struggle to go for a coffee with you after an assignment this is why I can’t do overtime! This is why when I had some extra money I drank too much, I am no better than the addict when I behave like that am I? Drinking to excess to block out the pain, to get enough confidence to challenge his behaviour, to say how I feel because in sobriety I couldn’t  say what I want too! Oh the madness and chaos of addiction! So to my blog tonight… What do I want to talk about, why tonight?? 

Someone I actually have a lot of respect for posted something on Facebook which upset me greatly. Whilst I understood his sentiments I disliked what he did. Basically he had come across a couple of addicts cooking and shooting up in the street. Whilst I understood his repulsion and even his concern that a child might have come across them whilst walking down the street, I did find it find it disturbing that he felt the need to film it and post it on FB. I have spoken to him off FB and he has explained  to me his concerns and I totally understand that he found it upsetting especially as a father, and maybe because I have been exposed to this and was nearly every day for at least 2 years became desensitised to it? Of course I didn’t like to see K shooting up it was only in desperation that he did in front of me, but these guys were doing what they do yes on the street but around a corner hidden away  not on the high street! The person that shot the video was above them, they were unaware of him filming them ( that’s a separate issue) as far as I know, I didn’t watch the video to the end I didn’t need to, I have seen it in real life! I don’t know where they injected arm groin it matters not except if it was there arm I guess they have less chance of loosing a leg yet…but what disturbed me most was the total lack of empathy, from the responses. No one chooses to be an addict! A little dabble with a class A I can handle this… becomes the chase for that high… that feeling that nothing in the world matters…that feeling that feeling…. Before you know it it becomes the need to feel normal there is no high just to stop feeling ill. Yes sit in your ivory towers and pass your judgement, call these people someone’s sons daughters ( your sons and daughters)  scum, low life,  as how outraged you are that they dare to do this on the street that your child might see, well if your child does see then may your God help them if you sit in judgement, and call them scum when what you should be saying is these are drug addicts look this is what you become when you take drugs this is what addiction does to you, this is the result of addiction – no self respect, self hate, feeling as low as you can feel with no escape because when it gets to this stage you can’t stop! A bit of weed a couple of lines of coke a few drinks on a Saturday night harmless fun, so pissed you flash your tits at men you don’t know on holiday in Malaga, so pissed you wake up in hospital or a cell  so pissed you get into fights, but that’s ok but shooting up in the street?? No that’s not ok is it?? Be careful what you teach your children what you see as acceptable behaviour because to me a couple of lads making them selves feel better – normal – is far less shameful than making a show of yourself every weekend in the town just coz you have had a drink or a couple of lines. There endth the lesson rant over! No actually it’s not a rant its fact. If your life is so perfect you wouldn’t feel the need to judge others would you? And me? Oh I am a work in progress and will be for a long time ( til death ) but I am learning – learning tolerance learning just because it’s not my way doesn’t make it wrong learning we all have demons and deal with them best we can learning to try to kept me mouth shut but hopefully learning not to judge until I know the facts 😊 

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2 thoughts on “Learning to keep my mouth shut! 

    1. Thank you yes I agree, in the past I felt I couldn’t for the fear of arguments and now I don’t need to discuss my personal shit with the world for the entertainment of others, which is what I felt my blog had become. But I thank you Drew for your words of wisdom that is where I was, I don’t want to return back to being afraid and will speak my mind

      Liked by 1 person

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