i was told yesterday that I was sounding less angry about the situation I am in and that was of concern to the person in question. I tried to explain that for me to have serenity and peace I had to let go of the feelings of anger, but got frustrated that by letting it go was seen as a negative thing rather than a positive thing. I tried to explain that holding on to anger is not good. It makes you sick. If I can pass my feelings of hurt and anger over to my HP then they will deal with it all for me. Anger is very distructive, it makes people do things that they would rather not do. It makes people violent, it makes people scared, it makes people do things they regret. Addiction makes people do things they would rather not do, leaves them with a sense of no self worth, a continual down ward spiral of self loathing, every time they do something that was just a little bit worse than the last time to get a bag it proves yet again what a disgusting human being they are so want to block that out by using more. Addicts feel, they know after the event what they did to get the money was wrong was hurtful was bad, and self purpituates the feelings of despair and self loathing. But because of their disease they can’t just stop. It’s just not that easy.
So am I hurt by his behaviour? Yes of course! Do I forgive him? Yes of course! Will I allow it to happen again? This time no. Am I sick and tired of being sick and tired? Yes I am and for his recovery have to now distance myself from the situation. I don’t expect some of you to believe it, why should you? How many times have I said enough is enough and then gone back for more?
I think I have tried to explain before that for me it is difficult to seperate what is acceptable or maybe I should say unacceptable, from knowing that certain behaviours come from the disease. That the addict is a lost soul that desperatly wants acceptance and love probably more than some one not addicted to drugs, BECAUSE of the shitty things they end up doing. That being turned away again and again just reinforces that they are a ‘bad’ person that no one wants around so they might as well use drugs and behave in a certain way BECAUSE no one likes or cares for them any way and they certainly don’t like themselves, when you understand that THAT is why I have hung on in there. But it’s a catch 22! By accepting the unacceptable it makes it acceptable. So that is where the phrase ‘release with love’ fits for me. I understand why you do the things you do, I don’t think you are less of a person for it because I know without the drugs you wouldn’t do these things, but until you are in a situation where you are no longer behaving like this then then I have to put myself first.
So you see that is why I am not angry I am not ‘making excuses’ for his behaviour I am saying that is enough. It has rippled out and effected too many people not just me. I have to protect them as much as me. Being involved in a addicts life is never straight forward. But being angry doesn’t change the situation, it just makes it worse. For my peace and serenity I ‘let go let God’ because it’s not for me to concern myself with something I can not change, only change things I can, and hope I have the wisdom to know the difference.