First convention 

going to my first fellowship convention today in London! Couldn’t afford the train last year but was lucky enough to get some vouchers from the train comp. for a train I was delayed on so kept them for today. I know my progress is slow thro my step work, because I am struggling to understand how to make the changes because I don’t really understand what I have to change. Well I do but find it difficult to put the theory into practice. I struggle to recognise the difference between guinuine behaviour and addictive behaviour so therefore struggle to react to it in the right way. I suppose because regardless of who you are I take you on face value. I don’t sit back and think why has someone said that?what do they mean? what do they really want?  After the fact if it has impacted on me in a negative way I might think why did they do that or why can’t I see the harm they mean to do to me. Or even why do I continually believe what someone says – even if I don’t believe it will do certain behaviours because it’s the easier option. I suppose compared to a year ago I have come on, I understand that addiction is a disease, ( always did) I understand that an addict will say or do anything to get their fix. I understand that I was very ill too and thought that I could control the addict restrict his usage by not giving in to his demands for money. I have learnt that it doesn’t matter what I do only he can stop using IF he wants a life free of  active addiction. I have also learnt tho I need Boundaries that these boundaries can change over time. That it’s not my place to be/do everything for the addict, I can care but not be the caretaker! I have to focus on me but find that hard. I still am very much the fixer, make it alright, be the one that makes it happen! But I am also very passive in my journey sort of expecting it to happen, for the theory to some how miraculously spring forth from me! Well it won’t I have to do the work. I am hoping that today will give me inspiration. Our journeys are not easy but to reclaim the life I had and want back I have to change more. Progress as I say for me is slow but there is progress and for that I am grateful for the fellowship and should be proud of the steps I have made and achieved so far. 

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