At the moment I feel physically and emotionally tired, as is my way I have been mulling over what was said at the weekend and why I was so impressed by what he said in the early part of the weekend. I stated on my last 2 blog posts I wondered if he had been reading my blog, and have now come to the conclusion I am right. Or if he isn’t she is and is feeding him lines.
When we were driving to see the puppy he was saying how sorry he was for hurting me that he didn’t mean to but the drugs made him do certain things that he felt he had no control over. I was up front and said back well you have hurt me again and again it’s very hard to live with, it destroys me mentally and emotionally. He responded by saying yes I suppose if I hit you it would be over with… At the time I thought mmm insightful but of course thinking about it I said the same on my blog previously how emotional abuse is for me worse than physical ( and please do not think I am playing down physical abuse I am not I know it can lead to murder ) but the emotional hurt is as bad as if he slapped me again and again. He also talked about the cycle of addiction feels bad about himself so uses feels bad about using so feels bad so uses…again something I think I have mentioned. He never articulated anything like that before when we were together? He also talked about the effect it all had on me…something he couldn’t have known with out reading my blog. Previously when I had written about my experiences and we met he said stop making out you’re a victim… At the time it wasn’t linked to anything that we had talked about but it could have been linked to my blog. Why is this important? Because he obviously did his homework and sadly maybe he wasn’t as insightful as I thought, it wasnt from him. Well that’s unkind maybe he did recognise some of it he said it had shocked him I might have lost my job because of him, I said we will never know ( again on my blog) I thought he was showing so much insight into addiction – his addiction it was plausible for him to think and feel that way, but it was the stuff around the impact on me he couldn’t have known as I never told him when we were together. So Mr J if you’re reading this I hope you take it on board! I had thought before that you might be reading this because of certain things and behaviours but I am now convinced that you are…you are so wrapped up in your self it must be hard for you not to read something about YOU even if it’s not always positive! Remember addiction doesn’t only affect the addict but all of those around you. It makes us detectives it makes us go to extreme lengths to prove we are right. That you can’t be trusted. That is something I have learnt in NAR-ANON, and now let me get on with my recovery your addiction has no place in my life. When you are free of it remember I was only ever good to you. You always got your own way, you mostly always got what you wanted from me. Some one that would normally not mix in the circle that you brought me to. That might help someone out begging on the street, but wouldn’t actively hunt out addicts to hang out with because that’s not my circle. What was on offer was friendship support love – unconditional love and you abused that. So let’s go back if you had hit me I wouldn’t have stayed. I wouldn’t have made an excuse, emotional abuse is much harder to pin point, but is every bit as evil. The difference there are no bruises that people can see. But the damage done is every bit as great.
As I have said before addiction kills – it killed my energy, my hopes and dreams for our future, my love of life, my self worth and confidence, my trust, it killed friendships, it killed my integrity as a person, it killed my happiness, those are just some of the affects it had on me, for you as the addict it must be even worse, I hope you find peace.