so we were excited at the prospect of a new dog. I was feeling more relaxed about me and him and as he kept saying so much about how sorry he was with everything he had done. I was starting to believe him. He seemed very insightful to how he had hurt me again and again he acknowledged that it must be hard for me to trust him but was asking to prove it to me that he wanted us to try again. He would get his script moved up to mine. I had a busy week ahead and so wouldn’t be able to see him but agreed I would go to his Friday stay over and come back up to mine once he picked up his script. We also hoped that he would have then arranged for it to be ready at my doctors. I was apprehensive I wasn’t sure I wanted him back in my life full time, but he seemed so plausible so I agreed in principle to it. We just hung out in the evening watched a couple of films got a take away usual Saturday night stuff. We went to bed about midnight watched another film on the iPad and went to sleep. He cuddled me most of the night. He hadn’t been this close to me in a long time.
There was something still niggling me though. When I picked him up there had been some make up in the bathroom. I had said nothing at the time because I wanted to use this info if anything didn’t go as planned. But there was only one person that could have left it there, it wasn’t even at the back of the shelf it was right at the front for all to see. It most definitely belonged there!
In the morning we got up had a bit of breakfast watched another film and started to get things ready to go back to Macclesfield. He had asked if I had some bedding he could borrow because he needed to change the sheets and I said yes I will take yours back with me tho to wash them ( and was thinking of this doesn’t happen then I have a replacement set for the ones I give him lol) I sorted out some food for him and we made our way back. We went via morecambe so he could see the sea and I suggested we could learn to sail they have a sailing club there and teach it. I thought it would be good for us to do something. He joked about us getting swept off course and ending up in the Irish Sea. I think knowing us there would be a good chance! He had said he wished I could see him before next Friday. I really miss you he said I don’t like being alone. I said I know but it’s not possible. It’s the week before pay day and I don’t have a lot of spare cash for fuel. What with saving for the puppy and a shed although I had money I wanted to keep if for the reasons I had saved it. Not to buy extra fuel to fly up and down the M6 to see him. As we were driving back he said love you know I don’t like asking ( but I thought you are going to anyway!) but do you think there is any chance you could lend me £20 I know you haven’t got much money but if you have enough for fuel this week I will give you it back the following week when I get my money and I will give you some towards the dog. I don’t want you to give me money for the dog K she is mine… Aw come on she’s ours…so will you? I say have a look I my purse. I have taken out all the free cash I have so see what’s in there. I knew there was £40. But we always had to go through some sort of routine when I gave him money.
There’s forty so can I get a couple of bags to see me thro? Please?
I give in yes take £20
Thanks love I know you don’t like going there but it’s probably easier for be to get it in Bolton…
You’re right I don’t like going there!
It will be quicker if we do rather than hang around in Mac you know what it’s like…
Yes I did and tbh Bolton was a lot quicker usually than it was in mac.
So we detoured to Bolton he phone a guy and he was the other side of town and so we had to wait. For some reason he had got out of the car. I roughly knew where we were I recognised the area where she lived when he had taken me there before and we weren’t that far from it. It was a busy area lots of people walking about. He said hi to a few. He was known round here. I didn’t really think about it. We were waiting for a while. The guy came after about 20 minutes he came back to the car but didn’t get in… He only had one bag he’s coming back in a bit, he still had a tenner in his hand so I knew he had only got one bag he then said listen love I have something to tell you….
My heart sank….
I didn’t know how to tell you because I know you don’t like coming here because of what happened but if i am getting my script up to yours I have to tell you…I get my script here in Bolton. I have been coming thro every day to get it and I didn’t want you going to the doctors to register me and thinking my script was from CDT in Mac…
You are still with her aren’t you?
No no of course not are you mad? Don’t you think she would be texting me asking where I am I haven’t seen her in weeks…
K her make up is in your bathroom! Girls don’t leave make up if they are not coming back!
She left it ages ago
Then why have you still got it? Why haven’t you thrown it away?
She has clothes there too I have things at hers in fact I need to go and get them cos I have nothing at mine… I will pack them and get the train home…
Really? REALLY! You expect me to believe this?
I’m not with her I have tried to be honest with you I told you my script is here I have been coming through on the train ( shoves old tickets in my face ) or I jump the train why you being so unreasonable ( shouting) why don’t you believe me
Inside I am thinking because I know when you are lying… Don’t shout at me!
I am sorry but I am Not with her give me a kiss. Look I will get my things and go back to mac
No you won’t! If you have ur script here you will stay here and get it in the morning. God you gave really played me this time haven’t you? Bet you can’t wait to get back there and have a laugh at me with your food shopping and a bag of brown!
It’s not like that at all, I promise we are not together but I will get ny things and go back to Mac and I will ring you when I get home. I wouldn’t have 2 women on the go it’s not what I do.
No but you have her on the go and have just had a nice weekend away!
No you’ve got it wrong! I am not with her how could I be I have been with you all weekend..,
But you won’t let me come with you now to get your stuff and wait for you because I know if you go in there you’re not coming out are you? If your script is here you are here!
Look I missed a couple of pick ups so they cancelled it I only had here as an option
But you would have to be registered at a doctors I know the system K I lived with you for 2 years I know how it works! You register first and then you would have got it transferred
No you’re wrong I only get my script here… We haven’t been together for over 4 weeks I come thro get my script go home I jump the train it’s easy…
He was getting panicy in his voice he had been caught out and that’s why he got angry. Come on why would I spend the weekend with you and make plans to get my script transferred to yours if I didn’t want to be with you?
Maybe she threw you out?
Love you’re being daft, I want to be with you look I will go and get my stuff I don’t think this guy is coming back ring me when you get home and I will tell you where I am!
My head was all over the place. I wanted to believe him but this time I couldn’t. For what ever reason he had lied again. But one thing was missing from all of this, he never once said he loved me. He had been caught out this time. In my heart I don’t know what he must have said to her, maybe he told her he was at his sisters? Maybe she was away for the weekend? I don’t suppose it matters! Maybe she knew which is why she didn’t call or txt him? Maybe just maybe they weren’t together? But one thing was for sure he wasn’t going back to Macclesfield that night that I would put my next wage on!
I drove home I was numb, I couldn’t cry I wasn’t angry I was just numb. I felt ashamed I had let myself be drawn into his web of lies and deceit again believed this time he meant what he said. I know I hadn’t been honest with him about my feelings or the fact that I didn’t want him moving into mine straight away, but that was something for me to deal with if it had happened. I loved him just wasn’t in love with him. I hurt tho this was just about the lowest he had got. I still wanted to believe he wanted what he said to me. But knew he didn’t. I don’t know why he spent the weekend with me, he didn’t have to give me the bull shit about getting his script moved up because I would have still met him let him come to mine…why go to the troube of such a complex lie for £20! He would have got the money anyway ( probably!)
So because I felt such shame and embarrassment that is why I didn’t look to my family yesterday for support. Sometimes it’s just easier to write it all down because it’s detached vocalising this is too much it’s too painful.
This time was the last time I can’t keep up hoping he means what he says. I phoned him when I got home but he killed the call. I wasn’t surprised. I didn’t expect him to answer only hoped he would. I can’t keep on making excuses for him and his bad behaviour. I don’t understand how a druggies mind works it seems a pretty extreme thing to do just for a bag? He didn’t have to say he wanted his script up here – why throw that into the mix? Because it sounded feasible? Because he thought it gave me hope? Made it sound like he just wanted to be with me? If someone can enlighten me on that I would be grateful! But how could any of us know what the hell he was thinking? Well I know I have said it before but that was it. The last and final act of deceit and betrayal. My mental health can’t take much more. I know for me to find peace and happiness I can no longer have contact with him. I can’t believe him any more. Again and again he has let me down again and again I have let myself down by wanting to believe that he wants to be with me. Chance after chance. I have forgiven him again and again for my mental health not for him to feel better. This time will be different but it never is is it? That first hit, that first drink, that first pill, that first dig, that phone call that says I am sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you….and we believe we believe even tho we know it will lead to pain and suffering we do it anyway because that is the nature of addiction. His, yours and mine. It can’t be cured it can only be arrested and the only way is by abstaining.
So there you have it. It’s been an emotional roller coaster again this weekend. Ha ha to say the least! Bit of an understatement.
Thanks for reading. I couldn’t live throught it again last night which is why I held off until now. I was angry at myself I was hurt and I wanted it to be as objective as I could, which I couldn’t have done last night.