so after a week of phone calls and promises of how he wants to get back with me and how sorry he is for the way he had and has treated me I cave in and agree to meet him. It’s awkward I have a pretty full on Saturday planned I am getting a puppy and it is my first visit in the afternoon and I have a hairdressers appointment in the morning. So timing wise I don’t think I can go to Macclesfield and pick him up, so I phone the dog breeder and put off the visit for half an hour. It’s a 2 hour drive from his to the breeders house so that gives me about half an hour to play with if I go and pick him up. I want to see him for my own reasons the main one being I want to tell him I have come on so much now from where I was I don’t want to help him any more. Also I want him to understand that I understand why he might have left me the negative feelings he had towards me because I was so ill and couldn’t express how I felt at the time ended up with us being resentful to each other… His embrassment of how he had treated me before he went into rehab, the ‘I feel good’ feelings he had when he was clean and someone who knew how he felt – connecting with her and so I understood when they were both feeling shiny and new me with all my hang ups and bad feelings at the time made me the second option. I wanted to make amends. So I met him. When I left the hairdressers I called to say I was on my way, he said look love I might have to go to Bolton to score on the way there’s nothing going on in mac. I said well times are tight so be ready to go when I get there. He said call me when u get here. Ok and I did, love it’s fine I have got things sorted here so come to the flat ( phew I think) so I go to the flat. There is someone else there in the flat when i get there I vaguely recognise him, he was out of it and had obviously just shot up.. The works were all over the kitchen counter but I was still a bit taken aback that someone else was there… That to Me meant sharing…he left K got his stuff together and we set off we started talking like we had never before! He started it by saying how sorry he was for what he had done to me, me saying the above, him saying I shouldn’t blame myself it was him that had done the wrong he was the one to blame could I see my way to having him back he would get his script transferred to mine he understood that I was the best thing that could happen to him i was his best chance of a life he could never have in normal circumstances holidays abroad going out at weekends etc etc ( mmm not I want to be with you for you??) u are a good woman you are the only one that understands this is a disease an illness you are the only one that is there for me again and again… My family dont care they think i can just stop you understand it. Yes I do K I do understand it which is why i have put up with the lies and the deceit because I know it’s the drugs that make u do things but know the man i met is still in there somewhere!
I don’t know how to stop. I don’t value myself I think if it wasn’t for the life I had as a child…
Well I can’t help u on that only u can do it. But blaming it on past experiences that you can not change won’t make the reasons you say you use go away! You have to accept you had a shit up bringing and decide you don’t want that to hold you back any more and have a future…
I am impressed you are now leading groups! ( change of subject )
Well it’s about giving something back K it’s about commitment but thank you. It’s not a big deal! It’s just reading a script really…
Yes but you understand you know what I am going through, u get it!
Yes I do but I also get that I can’t enable you, I can be there emotionally I can be there as a listening ear I can even go as far as to buy you food and be with you as a couple if we are together but I can’t buy your drugs. I don’t want to live in chaos I don’t want to lie I don’t want to live like we were before.
We won’t I promise you I value what you have done for me I want to have a good life with you ( *note no mention of I love you, I want to be with you, you make me happy!!!)
There was not even a mention of really giving up the drugs apart from a half hearted I don’t want to use when I am at yours and with you at yours I don’t even think of getting drugs! ( no cos at mine u have trips out meals out now TV, netfixs..,,)
So I got a lot of my chest… I held nothing back, a lot of it was rehearsed in my head.
And yet the words he said sounded but more importantly looked ( on his face) genuine!
I thought we had turned a corner he had turned a corner… (Maybe he does read my blog?? Maybe that’s where all this sudden insight and honesty (?) hade come from), or if not he really was being honest and he really did think he had done me wrong and he was sorry for it? ( I also have another theory which will come out later and if u are reading this Leeza fuck off ur rumbled!)
So we went to see my puppy …aw beautiful… Can’t wait 4 more weeks …of course it was all about him I was only getting a puppy cos I was lonely and missed him! At this point I was playing his game if that’s what he wants to believe then that’s why I was getting it. Actually for the record I love dogs have missed not having one for over a year and a half. Got over my loss before investigating getting another ( have already got one pre ordered in the summer but these were too hard to resist lol) but need the companionship but more importantly for me at the moment the motivation to go out and walk/exercise!
WE chose which one WE were going to get I am sure the family we visited thought WE were a couple. I was beginning to believe it myself. So WE went back to mine buzzing coS WE were getting a dog, WE can’t have kids so being an older couple this was US investing in a future…ok I was doing it regardless but he had made this something WE were doing together as a couple. He was going to house train her I didn’t have to worry about going to work or working away this was OUR dog OUR responsibility. I have a big trial coming up but he was going to be there I didn’t have to stress. He would get a bike and him and OUR dog would go out and run/ bike for miles. HE was once again shaping my future.
I fell into the convenience of having a relationship with this (image of the ) man I love. But now it was being cemented by US having a dog together That I am sure, for a lot of people is ( or at least to me) a life long commitment!
Ok this is now only half way through but I don’t read long blogs to the end and I am sure u guys don’t either so I am finishing here and will continue at another point in time! It gets good believe me!
Any family members reading this don’t be offended I haven’t told u about the puppy yet! I wanted to see her before I committed ( she’s a Shunoodle! Shnuaza and poodle hopefully curly black hair but at the mo straight hair but previous pups photos it will be curly!) and cos I had this going on was a bit distracted, and because j get embrassed by my stupidity – believing him again and again – I didn’t tell u the truth about meeting him😔