I have to keep on forgiving because if I dont I waste energy on things I have no control over. What I struggle with is if forgiveness can become enabling? By allowing someone to behave in a way I find hurtful will there be an end to that behaviour? Even though I know that it’s not diliberate hurt, it’s just the nature of the relationship we have ( or don’t have). I know our wants are very different. I know the drugs make him behave in a way that is not really acceptable to me, and so I forgive. Not to forgive means I fret about what I have or haven’t done, what he has or hasn’t done….let go let God. I don’t think I understood that phrase for as long as I have been part of the fellowship but I think I am now understanding that I can’t take on the responsibility of his actions, I have to give it over to my HIgher power to deal with and do what they think is best. What I need to work out is whether I can have any sort of friendship with him and keep on forgiving him. But more importantly what do I get from this very bizarre situation.
So he has yet a new number, the reason he hasn’t been in touch is he says he’s been on remand! But then they drop the case once they got the cctv! We managed a 30 minute conversation with out him asking me for money, that’s a major first! He said I sounded happy I said I am! I don’t have chaos ruling my world. He said something about me seeing someone I said no he said good I wouldn’t be happy if you were. I said it didn’t matter to me what he thinks – he says but you love me – I said no I love something and someone that doesn’t exist. He said I want to be that person again. Yes I want him to be too. But also know it’s not very likely. He said he would phone me later. I don’t think he will unless he thinks he has a chance of money. I know I should say to him please stop phoning me, I need to move on and then I think about what I have read on other blogs about having someone supporting you when no one else does. Am I holding him back being a friend allowing him to talk to me? Or am I giving him hope because I do believe in him and believe one day he will turn it around?
Am I giving myself false hope that one day he will change? My mum asked me if I still care for him…yes I do I try to convince myself otherwise but when he calls and we have a proper conversation with out playing a money game I do still care for him, he makes me laugh always has done in a good way! Damn it Karl Jackson leave me alone!
According to my astrological line today was supposed to be either the end or the start of my big love affair! The one I have been waiting for was going to appear today! Pfft 😤
Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.