I visited twice in the 4 weeks he ws in side. It didn’t really phase me the first visit was not stressful but I didn’t know what to expect from him. He had been giving me the chat about how he was glad to be off the gear, he was back on the methadone which he didn’t want but couldn’t do his rattle with out. His letters had said he needed to talk to me about our future but I don’t remember us talking about it much. In all honesty it was a long 2 hours. I didn’t know what he wanted from me he was saying one thing in his letters but his body language and how he was with me was saying different. There was no hugs when I arrived no holding my hands it was all about him. But I told myself to stop being so hard on him he was coming off crack and heroin again and must be feeling ill. But he wasn’t showing me any affection that was obvious – even when i had to go he only hugged me briefly. I saw others kissing good bye and hugging each other and I walked out feeling as though there wasn’t anything between us. I have to now believe he was just doing the minimum to keep me on side. Even tho i knew in my heart he didn’t really want to be with me in the way I had hoped his letters said different and my head was messed up. I visited the weekend after and we made plans for me to pick him up and take him to mine. There were issues around him getting his methadone up at mine if that’s were he wanted to stay. But I went to the doctors and asked if it would Be possible. They said it was if when he was released he asked the drugs team at the prison to contact them and they would sort it out for him. I told him that on the phone and he was stressing about it. He said he had to know for certain and so i said you just have to tell them at prison you want the chemist in Carnforth and when you get out on Christmas Eve we can go and get you registered there, they are expecting you. Of course it didn’t work like that. I don’t know if he had any intention of giving up the drugs now. But he didn’t tell the prison to register at mine. He got them to register at Macclesfield. So Christmas Eve I packed up the car and went to pick him up. It was a bit of a change of plan. I had told him if he went back to Mac then I couldn’t then take him back to mine and then go to my mums for Christmas, and the choice was his but in the 2 days of seeing him and going to pick him up my mum asked if I wanted to bring him to theirs for Christmas. This changed everything. He didn’t phone me be fire release so I couldn’t ask him. So when I picked him up I had to say look things have changed. Do you want to come with me to my mums for Christmas or stay in mac? I haven’t the time to drive u back to mine after picking up ur script. He went mad! Shouting at he did I think he was mad? How could he go to my parents? He had just come out of jail for robbing me how did i think that made him feel? He couldn’t face them. I tried to keep cool And said ok that’s fine I have food in the car for you I will take u to Mac and then go without you. After about 10 mins he changed his mind. I will come with you he said. Ok thanks. They are not sitting in judgement they are being good Christian people offering us a nice Christmas you should be grateful. It’s that or be by yourself in Mac.
I understood his embarrassment of course I did. But my mum and dad were saying if our daughter who obviously cares for you very much wants to be with you and will be stressing about you by yourself then we can forgive too!
So there we were. Driving back to Mac to get his script and then would be on our way to mums. Of course nothing goes as planned. We had to wait for hours to get his methadone. He had money and went to spend it. He said he hadn’t been given anything in prison. I find that hard to believe. Really would they send an addict out without his medication? If that is true then the whole system is crazy. He started to rattle of at least said he was and went and scored. He said he was feeling ill. All I asked was he didn’t take anything to my parents. If he wanted to destroy the last 4 weeks and use that was his choice. I was very disappointed but also felt trapped. I should have just dropped him off and driven away. But I didn’t. So waited hours for him to get his script and then drove the 3 hours to my parents. I believe now he took drugs with him. He was out of if more than once when he was at my mums. I was furious but didn’t want my parents to know I thought he had used so said nothing. To protect them really and even tho I never saw him use I am fairly sure he did. We went out on Boxing Day night and he disappeared in the toilet for ages, I am 99% sure he used then.
If he ever thought for one minute he could do what he had promised me I don’t know but I knew he was more than a hopeless case than me. It was weird because I was still in love with the dream I had of him but hated the reality. I hated him.