When I went down to get him I did expect him to be wanting money but strangely he didn’t ask for any. I assume he must have used that day but even in the morning before we went to court he didn’t ask. He looked bad even thinner than the last time I had seen him. But he was respectful to me, his usual charming self. So I thought maybe just maybe he is serious about changing his life around this time. I guess I was lulled in to a false sense of security. It was so strange of him not to ask for money my defences slipped. I didn’t consciously think about my programme because I didn’t have to. we spoke openly about how much he had hurt me and that I would have big trust issues if we were to be friends he was humble and seemed sorry for the pain he had caused me. Again now with hindsight I wonder how much of this is part of a bigger plan he has for me. We are taught not to project take ever day as it comes don’t worry about what might be because we don’t know, can never know. Why worry about something that hasn’t happened because chances are it won’t. But for me this is where I struggle with the programme. Sometimes to protect yourself you have to look to the future to prepare yourself for the what ifs because if you don’t how can you be ready for them? But right then I didn’t. I went with the flow. He was telling me what I wanted to hear. This time when he was in jail he would get off the drugs he knew it was his best chance to get his life back on track then we could have a good life together he would leave Macclesfield and come to mine. I said it would be difficult for me I had major trust issues he had beyond hurt me. He knew he said he was sorrybut he missed me and wanted a chance to start again. He fed me what I wanted to hear.
So as he was being lead down to the cells he looked at me and said I will phone you. I went home I was working in London so had to travel down that night. I felt awful, he was going to jail because of what I had done. I didn’t think he’s gone to jail for what he has done to me! When I was on the train he called he had only been given a bit of credit he wouldn’t get his canteen sheet for a week but could I come and visit him he gave me his prisoner number. I said I would visit. Could I get him some money? How much? What ever you can afford then I can phone you… Clever you see it was always in my best interest to do what he wanted. Obviously he was on the wing phone so there were lots of people around he was full of himself but even so I still felt it odd when he said have to go now credit about to go – I love you!
I love you?? Where did that come from? But he knew what to say how to reel me in. I took the bait!
Once I got to the hotel I tried to book a visit. It’s all done on line now, it took 4 working days so I couldn’t visit that weekend but booked for the following.
The next day my phone broke. I had been using it to try to find where I was working and with the rain and my inability manged to somehow change the settings. Basically I locked myself out. But there was nothing I could do. He called me every day but I couldn’t answer. It was so frustrating from Thursday to Saturday I had no phone and no way of him being able to contact me. When I got home on the Saturday morning I went to the post office and got a postal order to send him some money. Then jumped in the car and drove 60 miles to the nearest iPhone (Apple) shop. They fixed my phone in about 30 seconds! Eventually he called me again. He sent me lots of letters when he was inside. 7 in four weeks. That’s a lot for someone that only learnt to read and write in adulthood! He would talk about our future together. Asked if when he got out of jail he could come to mine, he had been given a release date for the 24th December. I had already arranged to go to my family for Christmas but said I would get food in for him and he could stay at mine. I wasn’t 100% sure of his intentions but he was leading me to believe he wanted us to try again. His letters were full of how he was glad to be off the drugs how we could have a good life together. This was K clean! He wanted us to be together and there was no drugs involved he didn’t want to be with me so he could get his next fix. When my phone had been broken he had gone nearly crazy not knowing why I wasn’t answering. His letters ( he sent 3 in 3 days trying to get an answer!) sounded almost panicky why wasn’t I talking to him? it wasn’t like me? What was wrong he was worried…, so I let myself believe he wanted to be with me for not any other reason than to be with me. Maybe he didn’t have an alternative reason maybe at that very moment in time he really did love me and the thought of the life we could have together or maybe he was planning to get me to believe he wanted this life free of drugs to keep me on side so he could use me once he was out of jail… Who knows …. I do believe he wanted to be free from the drugs and the horrible life he leads in it, as much as I don’t want to enable him, maybe we are both wired up wrong! That’s something he used to say about himself. I am wired up wrong love I want to be free but can’t stop myself….I want to be free too and can’t stop myself from enabling helping him when he calls me….not that different! I wanted him to be in my life but without the life of drug use so wanted to believe what he says. I still do want to believe him 😔
So now I have nearly caught up with our story. A year ago today he would have been in detox for his first week. He called me every day when he was there, well most days he always phoned me before his family. It was only in the 3rd week he started to phone them more and me less….but we know why that was. It wasn’t about phoning them was it it was about the fact I had visited and I didn’t fit with the image that one person had of me. She started her one woman campaign to get him for herself by belittling me to him. I don’t know this for certain but she told me how surprised everyone was when they saw me on the visit. How they were all expecting a gorgeous woman to turn up after everything k had said about me, and then I turned up he hadn’t said that I was older than him. Why would he? It wasn’t really an issue for us. And There was this middle aged woman that needed a face lift and must be mad to think someone like K would be interested in me for me…..yes up until a year ago things were still good between us we still had a future. I don’t blame her completely but I do think she had a major part to play.