Finding it hard and emotional 😢😢

The last 48 hours have been hard…several unanswered phone calls and txt. In the end I conceded and txt him back. I said please stop. I can’t have you asking me for money all the time, you can’t expect me to help you, I care for you and feel sorry for your situation but if I continually give you money you will never have to get out of addiction. I can’t live with that on my conscience . ( release with love)
If I am honest the only way I can refuse him is if I don’t speak to him. If I do I am always talked round, and what’s more part of me still wants to believe what he says even though I know it’s rubbish. God I hate addiction, I hate what he becomes. I wish….I don’t know what I wish! I suppose I still wish he would call me and not ask for money, but I don’t suppose I would be happy with that cos I would be waiting for the ask!
I hate the thought of him now homeless ( if that part’s true) cold no food staying at friends…not even friends other addicts probably, this is what I struggle with, I am not one to see people suffering. 2 rescue dogs and a rescue cat. And now a crack/heroin addict! I know it’s not my job to save him only he can do that, but I don’t want to think of him suffering. I don’t suppose he is giving me one thought. This is the effects that addiction has on those that know addicts….constantly wondering what has happened to them, wanting to help but knowing we can’t in the way they want. When there was a chance he was dead I was hopeful that this was the end, I would no longer have to wonder about what had happened to him. Have closure and move on. But this this is worse, being constantly living in limbo, waiting for the next call. Block the number! Done it, he gets a new number. When he finished with me last year I found it hard to accept. Unfinished business. But after our last encounter I was finished with it. I had fallen out of love for him. So now what? Wait for him to call again on a different number, to play a game of wills again. It seems so unfair how long will it go on?
I didnt think it would be like this, even if I don’t give in to him he gives it a few days and tries again….I ask myself why I was chosen for this. 3 years ago I didn’t know about addiction like this, I didn’t understand the impact it had on the loved ones of addicts, I didn’t know about 12 steps Higher Powers, I didn’t know about methadone, I had heard of it but just thought of it as a substitute, didn’t know that it too was addictive, I didn’t know that someone you loved could go to such horrible lengths to get money from you, would lie would tell you anything to get another £20. I didn’t know or had heard about co-dependency , that my love for him would be so deep and intense I would do anything to keep him, that he needed my money so much he would lie to keep me on side. That once you thought it was over it was only the beginning….

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3 thoughts on “Finding it hard and emotional 😢😢

  1. Hey Karen,

    I quickly went from having a home, girlfriend, a sense of belonging etc to then being homeless and I guess in that sense I am similar to K (if he is homeless)

    My girlfriend didn’t want to speak to me but I continued to message her probably every single or evey other day whilst I was homeless. I didn’t want to speak to her for her moneh though, it was just that I cared about her, missed her, I guess the difference being that I didn’t know why my girlfriend had left me, I take it K knows why you no longer want to talk to him.

    It killed me when I didn’t get a reply from my girlfriend, I felt empty, but I think that is because I didn’t know why my girlfriend had left me.

    For k I think it is different, he knows why you have left, you have given him closure, he should respect that and let you move on and allow himself to move on to

    If he is homeless, he will be fine, it is his responsibility to look after himself, not yours. Don’t feel bad for not talking to him, not giving him money etc

    X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Brad I have been meaning to respond to your reply for a couple of days but work and the fact I am in so much pain (physical) due to a slipped disc I haven’t been up to doing very much! Life is confusing at times love messes with our brains! I don’t really believe he is homeless, he used that because he knows I am a good person and wouldn’t want to see him homeless and cold and hungry…he knows me too well, and because there is a 00000.1% chance he might be telling me the truth I help him out! If I do I then hate my self for being so stupid to believe him AGAIN, cos once he has the money I hear nothing until he can come up with another good story! It’s me that needs help not him lol x

      Like

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