It was only going to be a matter of time…

Today is K birthday. So of course he has been in my thoughts over the last couple of days. Would he be alive to see it? Would he have a blow out (benefits due this week) if he was alive? Of course I hadn’t heard anything from his family or his landlady regarding his well being. So I decided that no news was good news and thought the best thing for me would be to go back to where I was before I got the phone call from his brother in law at the weekend. I am at work at home at the moment. That involves me sat at a computer screen in my tiny spare bed room. Most the time I don’t have to do much, just be here unless I get a call. That’s why a lot of my blogs are done in the day time. My mobile just rang, his name flashed up! He’s alive then. I went thro a whole string of emotions as I looked at his name, anger hurt disbelief dread happiness relief all in the few seconds before answering. Be calm be calm, I said to myself….do not get dragged into this….he will want money, do not DONT GIVE IN. He had his ‘sad’ voice on….how his landlady was going to throw him out because he was in so much arrears with his rent, she was going to change the locks, could he ask a favour as a friend? As a friend? When have you shown me friendship or treated me like a friend? When in all the times I have helped you out, stuck by you listened to lie after lie and time again and again, to have it thrown in my face to be dumped, the only time you want to speak to me is when you are so desperate for money you HAVE to call me because you don’t think you have any other way of getting some cash? Go ask your family K I can’t help you. Please…. No I don’t want to….I am sorry… Heard it 100 times before, I have to go I have a call, call me back please, I am sorry.
Yes he is always sorry when he wants something, but I do call him back, he says he didn’t want to drag me down, could see it was hurting me and he didn’t want to do that…he has all the right things to say as always…but it’s not my job to help you save you look after you! It’s been a month to the day since I last heard from you, and you expect me to jump back in and save you once more….I can’t I don’t want to. ( that’s a lie of course I want to but for what reason?) actually that is a very good question. Why do I want to help this man that has done nothing but disrespect me use me and take advantage? It’s his birthday – correct, but that’s not the reason. This time he might be grateful? Why he never has in the past. Because really you still want him to want you and like you for the right reasons – then buying his love is not the answer.
Come and see me after work….no I can’t it’s too far and I have to be back here in the morning, and besides if I do you will bully me into giving you money. Well come and see me at the weekend. I don’t know… I don’t think it’s wise for me to see you, I give in too easily to you
So I am being put to the test. It’s a test I don’t want to do. Why would my HP send me this test? To see if I can follow my programme? I can follow my programme if he isn’t around. I make my excuse and get off the phone. He txt me,
please karen I never intended to hurt u sometimes I think ppl are better off without me, please help me I wouldn’t ask if I could pay it and don’t want to get into trouble I am sorry xx
Yes I suppose he didn’t mean to hurt me but he did, yes people are better off without him, and I don’t expect for one minute he would have contacted me if he didn’t need money! And yes I am sorry too.
But I can’t go back to that existence we lived before. It’s not my job to bail him out it never was but I couldn’t see it at the time. Do I want him back of Course I do but not at any cost. He has never once really shown me that he wants to be me for me, well that’s not true, but since he got back into addiction, for the most part, he has only ever wanted to be with me for the money.
I wonder why I want to go and see him….but I do ūüėĒ somewhere in my brain I think it might be a control thing. I want to see him just to be able to tell him how we can’t go on like this. He has to leave me alone, to move on like he told me to do all them months ago. So why then does my heart skip when I hear his voice, why then when my brain is screaming at me to put the phone down not to txt him not to have contact, is there part of me that doesn’t want to let go wants to be with him. Why can’t I accept fully accept this man doesn’t want me? Is it because I am all he has? And why is that important? Once again my head is upside down my brain is fried why can’t he leave me alone to get over him.

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