A lot of things have happened emotionally and spiritually for me in the last 48 hours. On FB Last week I asked people to help me pray for someone. He was in a really bad place. I was surprised how someone I have never met could have such a profound impact on my life. I had to take stock and inventory of why I was feeling this way. Was I back to where I was with K? Trying to save some one? It wasn’t my place. I didn’t know this man. I only knew him through the blog web site. Why did I care? Is this one of my failings shortcomings to care whether someone lives or dies? Or is this human nature? I truely believed he didn’t want to die but in the same breath understood the futility of it all, his life. I also know that he fits bang into the peak age group of suicide in men. I felt angry at him for many reasons, not valuing himself, for not listening to the people sending him messages of support, for being only 20 and thinking he understood enough about the world and life to make a decision that was wrong in so many ways. I felt great empathy for his belief that this was somehow the right thing to do, for his feelings of emense sadness. Having visited that place many times my self I know how empty life can be, how nothing matters any more how you just want the pain to stop, throw in drugs just to mix up those feelings as well and it really is a bad place to be.
My programme teaches us to detach with love, to leave an addict to do what they have to do, but not enable, not to save them, I struggle with that because it’s so very hard for me not to care. Not to help. Not to try and empathise. We are told addiction is an illness, a disease, and still we are not to help them in the ways we think do help. I think I am slowly understanding that, that by giving my addict money I was stopping him from reaching rock bottom. But I am still struggling with divorcing caring and wanting to keep some one safe with enabling!
After reading my diary from a year ago, I saw the truth. I saw how pained I was, I saw how desperatly I wanted K to love me, for me, how it was screaming from the page, this man doesn’t love you, he might have done when he was clean, but for nearly 2 years definitly 1 he has done just enough to stop you from walking away, promising you that once he gets to rehab everything will be different, you will have your happy ending. Deliberate or not he kept me believing so he got his daily fix. I was like a mental prisoner, that sounds harsh but I was being given a release date…when he was clean we would be free from all this pain I felt, we would have the life I dreamed of, with the man I met. I know I have said this again and again, and probably will continue to.
so back to my point….this week has been emotional, I have come to understand that I was living a lie as much has he was, we fed each other’s needs. But the journey brought me to NAR-ANON, which means I can now learn about my shortcomings and maybe my indepth need to save the world!
I still struggle with believing in a God, in a HP. I thnk because I am a practical type of person but show me and I believe! I have now had the fortune to be shown, more than once!
This moring I woke up after a particularly stressful 48 hours. It was there on my phone, in my email in box, proof that something greater than you and me was at work. My blogging friend was alive he had posted a blog and was safe again. So thank you to those of you that prayed, thank you to my and his HP/God for saving this young man, this moring I truely did believe in the power of prayer and the guidance of a higher power.