The next day….

I did wonder if I would feel differently this morning but I am not sure that I do. If anything I know I am distancing myself from him in case the worst comes from this. He is so aggressive towards me probably because he thinks I am focusing on things that bear no importance to him right now like the flat and the fact he is in arrears to the tune of £115. I said I can’t afford it and he says he doesn’t want me to pay it and to stop focusing on things that arnt important but to me him having the flat is important he says he wants it but part of me wonders if he does? For one it’s in Macclesfield not the best place for him. But if he does the work he says he has to do about his past then maybe he can stay in Macclesfield? Maybe he will have the strength. I know this is a long hard battle he maybe clean of the drugs and the meth but he said last night he still wants to use. This is hard for him of course it is it’s there he could use at any time and the reason he doesn’t I think is because he wants us to have a future but then they fill his head full of questions about us. And that must be scary too. Of course I am worried we won’t last this that he has some epiphany and no longer wants to be with me. He is focusing in on really small negative things about what I say. He thinks I am only focusing on money, but I am on the outside I don’t have to focus on the issues he is dealing with I am focusing in the day to day practicalities of having a job and two homes to run. As well as not having any contact with staff that doesn’t help. It seems to be that they are filling his head up with stuff like you don’t have to worry about the outside world just focus on all the shit u have done. I understand why they do it but who’s fighting my corner. Another thing I have noticed is he doesn’t seem to be able to remember what he has said. He asked me to sort out the flat and to call Claire and then says I am the one worrying about it. He said one minute louie had giving the money to his mum his mum said he hadn’t he said he wanted the money to pay his rent with now he says Louis hasn’t given the money to his mum and when he does won’t pay the rent and I am expected to just sit and take it all in! And not stress about it!
Then he says about not wanting to see me for the 12 weeks he is in there. I hope that’s just to hurt me. I just don’t know what to think any more. I am sure that he thinks if we weren’t together his life would be far easier and it probably would. I want us to have a normal relationship – or as normal as we can, I want us to both want to be with the other for the right reasons I want to know what the plan is so I am not disappointed when he comes home. If he has to go to groups in the evenings that’s fine I would prefer him to spend weekends with me at mine but if he has to go to groups then we will have to see. If it’s just for a couple of months maybe I can go with that. We have so much to work out and he doesn’t understand I don’t have anyone to discuss this with there’s no after care team working with me there’s no councillors working with me, there’s no staff helping me thro with my issues and concerns. That’s exactly why he needs the space and doesn’t need to be talking with me yet, until he is more grounded and understands what he wants and needs. We have to accept that he might not be able to have a relationship with me that there will be no time or space that he can’t give me what I want. I am trying to make the flat into somewhere we can live. I have photos and little things around trying to make it nice for us. Building a nest ha ha. Part of me thinks if we got married at least then we would have committed to each other but I shouldn’t need that should I? I am so sad that he can’t give me what I need right now and just hope that it will work out in the future. I suppose I just don’t understand the process of what he is going thro enough. I don’t trust him to love me enough. But also I don’t like the way he is treating me. I know he thinks I am ungrateful that he bought the phone to call me. But iis not just me he is calling. If it was then he would be right but he’s still on Facebook everyday he’s phoning his mum and his brother. I hope to god Louis does what he says he will and will take him to groups etc. It’s not fair making him promise just to pacify him unless that’s what they have to do. But he didn’t ask me to be part of the process I said I would do it but he said I would be tired from work and it’s true, but Louie has has holly and they want to start a family I can’t see him wanting to help Karl when that happens! God my head is so jumbled too! I wish he hadn’t got that stupid phone! He should just follow the rules and focus on what he needs to with out us influencing his thoughts and then at the end of the 4 weeks he would have what he needed to be able to deal with us and to say sorry for what he has done. Considering the family have been thro this before they don’t seem to understand very much! All his mum thinks about is the impact on her. Louie seems to think you can just stop taking drugs like giving up chocolate he didn’t even understand about the methadone! But then again karl isn’t very good at talking about it either.
I was ready to walk away if he hadn’t got into rehab I am not sure I could have stood it much longer. Money has been tight but hopefully this month will be a bit easier. Then next month is should be back on my feet. I know he thinks all I think about is money but he made it a focus and he has no concept that this is the real world and bills have to be paid. I think I will stop now there is so much to take on and think about and part of me just wants to be happy with karl and be able to see him again and start building up a relationship – that’s the other thing I said last night that we will have to start again when he gets out. Think that shocked him. He made his excuses and got off the phone saying someone was outside the door- didn’t believe him. I miss him but not the chaos. Things happen for a reason my new job and his detox starting on the same day I am sure happened for a reason not sure what that is yet and it’s hard to believe it’s been 5 weeks that sounds a lot but at least in detox I got to properly speak to him
That’s it that’s what the problem is for me. In detox we spoke about how he was feeling etc and got to see him on those 2 Sundays. All this cloak and dagger stuff is only adding to the stress. I love being able to talk to him but he only talks about what he has been made to confront not how he is feeling. That’s what I need to focus on tonight if he calls. Ask him how he is feeling about the issues guilt of course but what is it making him realise? It sounded like he didn’t like to be questioned over money ( hence why he is saying all I focus on is money know this was a good way of sorting shit out in my head) he was having issues with them saying he took from his dad. He took enough from me so let him deal with it, but he has to accept that his behaviour because of the drugs was wrong. He has treated everyone he loves badly. It’s partly the drugs of course I understand that all he needed was ‘just’ £20 he felt ill I don’t doubt it but it became tiresome. So this is my counselling! My chance to say how I feel. Not brilliant but a starting point. I don’t have anyone helping me thro the process, highlighting or challenging my beliefs what do I need to change? I can’t expect him to do all the work to come home all shiny and new and positive I have a shed load of issues that need looking into the resentment the hurt the betrayal the lies, when will we have the chance to discuss that? Is it part of the process? Do we have to pretend non of this happened and just be grateful he has found his way? I have issues that need addressing too my guilt about paying for the drugs and making it easy for him I have treated him with contempt because I hated what he was making me do. I sometimes got angry but that didn’t change anything belittled him that didn’t work have cried have argued non of it worked I have tried just giving him the money that was wrong in his eyes. I have been stubborn put him before me and work all to no avail he still got what he wanted. So now we are left with the consequences, and probably a dis functional relationship. So when will we get the chance to talk about it? I can’t sit here and not address it. I have to believe I did it because I loved him yes I admit there were times I was scared I would loose him if I didn’t give him what he wanted. I couldn’t have a boyfriend in jail with my job. But why am I scared to loose him. Because I want to be with the nice karl not what he became. Of course we had a nice time did stuff together went on holidays would go out and have a laugh at the weekends. I enjoy his company he can be funny but I have lost touch with a lot of what he was. So has he! So let’s examine what he got from me….
Money stability someone looking after him some one paying for us to have a nice time. It must have been nice to be on the receiving end. I would like the same back. Someone to look after me to cook my tea sometimes to take me out or away. To buy me stuff just a bunch of flowers. He used to shop lift probably still does and sometimes for us but mainly for himself. He would come home with a new coat or something and I know he had nicked it he never had any money! Occasionally he would buy something new but it disappeared after a couple of weeks probably sold for drugs. Mmm seem to have deflected what I was saying about me..I would like us to continue but with less of a burden on me to do and pay for everything. He is right it does come down to money but when we didn’t have any that’s was when we got on best. There was no pressure. That’s when he was the most loving because I knew it was genuine there was no waiting for him to hit me for £20. I really don’t think he understood the enormous pressure he was putting me under. Not wanting to let him down as if I had failed. That he wouldn’t love me if I didn’t give him what he wanted. Am I that desperate?? Why ?? Being by myself for the last few weeks had proven that of course I miss him being around but I can cope god knows I have been by myself probably longer in my life that with someone. Of course I want to be in a relationship to feel loved for me, to share times and experiences with some one, but I can get by alone. I don’t need to be treated like a door mat. What kept me with him? Hoping he would go back to what he was when we met. Knowing there was a good loving man in there we just had to put up with some shit to get thro to the other side. So I can justify staying with him then. It’s not about being scared of being alone it’s not about any relationship is better than non. I was desperate before I met him to find some one but I have written else where about how happy I was he chose me. I was so sad when I was with Ian he didn’t make me happy we didn’t have fun. I know a lot of the time I have been with karl it’s been about the drugs but I would love to have the chance to see if we can make this work. I would do anything to make sure I made him happy. Is it about not wanting to fail? If he doesn’t want to be with me that I have failed have pushed him away? I don’t think I have pushed him away consciously my behaviour might though and that’s what I want to focus on I guess. But then again shouldn’t he accept me for what I am like I do/have him?
What if he doesn’t want me then what?
No I need to think positively he is doing this for us. To make sure we can have a relationship I should be thankful ( I am) trust that he does love me for me not the money. I need to find a more positive outlook. Be more humble and grateful it’s not such a bad thing. Don’t get hung up on trivial things. I do take on board what he says and have to accept that at the moment he isn’t at the same place I am with relationships his have been clouded with drugs which had made him behave in certain ways. But that’s not him. I have forgiven him for the way he treated me because that isn’t how he will treat me in the future. I need him to forgive me for behaving like I have too. Because I hope that’s not me either.

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