Old diary entries!

Last year when he was in rehab and things weren’t going so well I tried to write things down, to try to make sense of my thoughts and feelings ( bit like this blog really!)
I am now going to share some of them with you. This was ‘live’ as it happened, my thoughts are muddled up, they might be difficult to understand and read, but it gives you an idea of how ill I was, and now really egocentric I had become. This really was all about me! I was in denial of that of course, and I suppose because my day to day life had been totally consumed in addiction, I thought everything was focused on him. I did and do try even now to think about the impact rehab was having on him, and maybe because my feelings had been shut down for over a year, now I was able to think about the impact all this had had and was having on me. When I was living with him I had no real time to focus on me, so now given this enforced space and time, it becomes me me me.
What I found interesting is some things I had forgotten until I read my diary. In fact if I had been well I think I could have probably been able to have a conversation with him far better than I could then. I was obsessed. But you can read it for yourselves, and make your own decisions. I think it shows how sick I was, I was losing my world, I couldn’t think straight. Maybe if I had read it again before now, I would not have gone back to him again and again. It its obvious that he doesn’t want me in his life I was saying it out loud and so was he, nearly a year ago, but couldn’t hear what either of us was saying! That is sad. I could have saved my self a lot more heart ache and heart break. So here it is 3 days of despair. I have obviously forgotten a year on that I must have had another phone call from his key worker….but I guess I was very stressed and until now and reading my diary was basing my blog on memory!

So karl is in rehab and even tho it’s been less than a week I am really struggling. I feel very low today, firstly he somehow bought a phone yesterday and as great as it was to speak to him I am very worried he will get a room search and get caught and then get chucked out. He said he doesn’t want to stay, and I think even tho he said he got the phone to speak to me he has only phoned me once and I had to get credit for him and then call him! So I am not happy about that. I think as he is not happy there and wants to leave and I said he can’t if he does he won’t have the coping strategies to stay off the gear and if he relapses then I can’t stay. I have invested too much into this to walk away but now don’t want to go through or live my life like that again. He seems to be on fb all the time and not even bothering to contact me and that pisses me off, and adding female friends again! Yes they might be ppl he knows but I get so overwhelmed by it and feel so insecure and he would say its just me but I can’t help thinking that I am convenient til something better comes along….but that is just because we are apart.
I got a call from a worker last night and that threw me…he said karl was desperate to contact me and explained why they didn’t allow it and that was fine I understand it but now he’s bought this bloody phone and I just feel it damages his chances of success. Part of me wants to tell the staff but I can’t cos he will be thrown out 😩😩
I feel better now I have spoken to that fella last night but karl is so in denial and thinks he knows best, he was horrible to me on the phone he said something about having to be in groups all day and I said and all night and he said your clever! I know he expected me to be really happy to speak to him but I was in total shock, and I was grateful that he phoned me but it goes against every thing that he is supposed to do. I couldn’t think what to say I am rubbish at being supportive when he breaks the rules cos I see the outcome if he is caught and now I haven’t been able to talk to him. Then when I saw he had been on fb today and asked if he wasn’t talking to me I just got a really short message back saying see you l8r! I just feel like I did 2 years ago when he was in rehab and that’s another thing that man said he has 12 weeks then goes into secondary! Not what we thought I just said you better talk to karl about that because there has been no mention of secondary but if that what you think he needs then so be it! All I care about is he gets out and doesn’t go back to using. I hate being so negative but I have to prepare myself for the worse. I will be devastated if this doesn’t work out.. I love karl he is the nicest kindest most loving man ( at times) I have had the pleasure of being in a relationship with. I wouldn’t have stuck by and put with all the shit I have if I didn’t think he was worth it, but at the same time I don’t want to live like that.
I think the best thing for me to do is to just stay off fb stay away from his mum and just wait for him to contact me. Let’s go back to assuming he can’t contact me for another 3 weeks and leave it at that…no doubt that won’t last lol 30/3/14

He called again last night ( Monday) and really battered my head. He is working on relationship stuff which is good but then says staff will want to talk to me about things and says he’s still in love with Jackie to which I said well if ur still I love with her then I don’t want to be with u. He then hung up he doesn’t understand I actually know all this but have put it to one side I thought he would be over her by now and she would be a happy memory but it seems not. I just don’t know what to do for the best staff are obviously saying they are going to ask me about the relationship so that he has to say stuff to them. Cos they haven’t phoned me! But he has only just told me the truth about taking the car that day and I am not happy about that. I knew he as lying at the time but couldn’t say so to him I was grateful he was home and had the car. He tells me this on Sunday and he was to unwell to challenge him on it. We have so much work to do on our relationship. It’s not going to be enough to just share a space with him. I do like his company and of course think he is a loving and kind supportive man but at what cost. When we met he obviously still had issues to work through but he seemed so on top of things. I suppose that there is a chance he won’t be in a place to be with me or want to be. There’s a chance I won’t be able to see this through. I want to be with some one that can look after me can be on an equal footing with me share life with. I love him there’s no doubt about that but I love what I see him to be. Not the bag head he became so I am guessing we have to start again if he will ever be ready. Like I said to Al I could probably go out and get myself a lawyer or someone with money that could take me out and look after me, but I want karl at the moment. I don’t know if it’s because I just want to see this thro, but he has to learn that if something happened to me he could live without me without turning to drugs. God knows it’s hard the drinking is so hard to stop. Even tho I am not getting pissed I am having a glass or two of wine when I get home, not bottles like I used to and god knows how I functioned when I was drinking that much. No right now my head is battered. I want to be able to sit down and talk to him about how I feel it’s not only about him. I wish in some ways he wouldn’t phone just focus On the work he is doing and then see how I fit into it. If he had been with me for convenience money replacement for Jackie then let’s address it and see if he really wants a relationship with me. What is it that he ‘loves’ about me. Gratitude is not love.
What he doesn’t seem to understand is when he calls me all it does is messes with my head. He tells me about the work he is doing and that’s good to know but at the same time really disempowering because we can’t sit down and talk about things. I am getting little bits of information around what he’s working on and that raises all sorts of issues for me. Makes me question why he is with me and why I am with him. He hits out verbally if I say things and it’s so difficult I want to be honest but feel I don’t want to challenge him or if I say the wrong thing it will start and argument. I wish he would understand that hearing about the work he is doing is not comfortable for me. He needs to do the work work out what he wants from me and where I fit in to his life and then we can talk. I get the feeling that he has used me for money not in a bad way but has probably unconsciously stuck with me because it was easier than stealing. I think he had loved me in his own way. But then I think well we met when he was well and in rehab so must have made an informed choice then? Of course ppl think he has fell On his feet yes I have putup with shit because I wanted to see this long term.., it’s all so hard 31/3:14

So now we are getting to the realisation that he has used me for money him I mean or at least them they are telling him that he can’t come up with any thing to counter it so if that is the case we have no future because that’s exactly what I asked him why do u love me and he had no answer. This is as hard for me as it is for him as the realisation comes to light if it’s true it’s my worse fears. As I have said I can come with with loads of reasons why I love him but if he can’t do the same then where are we? What do we have – nothing. The only good thing is we met before he was using so surely that means something. Have just sent him a txt to say tell them why u love me and that they are wrong that we met before the addiction came back if he can the we have something to work on if not they and I was right sad but true. Then what can I do I will be devastated all this for nothing I can’t even start to think about it! Something I don’t like is the fact he thinks it’s ok to take all his frustrations out on me his head is jumbled I understand that and that’s why he is so aggressive but I am not happy to accept his behaviour not any more. Have told him we need to start again when this is over and see how we get on. I love him like I say but not the way he is treating me now and now there is no excuse! 3/4/14

So as I read it back I wonder how far I have come, know what? I have come miles! It may only be in the last couple of weeks, and part of me still doesn’t want all this to have been in vain, ( the reason I keep going back?) but the truth was there all the time I just didn’t want to believe I had been taken for a ride. Time is a great healer but you can’t fix what isn’t broken and because I was still in so much denial I couldn’t be healed or fixed could I?


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