A couple of days later his key worker called me back. He says K is allowed a phone call at the weekend, but he wants to talk to his mum, he will be allowed to call you the week after. Whoopy fucking do! Now he is calling his mum over me! His mum that abandoned him as kid, that used to beat him, that left him with no food he wants to speak to her over me? Great good to know I am so far down his priority list! I felt hurt I felt betrayed, I had stuck by him, paid for his drugs food clothes, paid off 2 hefty drug debts took him on holidays and he didn’t even want to speak to me??? What the fuck was going on. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t about the money or what I had given him, ( I know it reads like that) sometimes willingly some times under duress I had always loved him, I would have laid my life down to have the man I met back. I was hurting so bad, there were just so many unanswered questions. I felt used, abused letdown. It was totally disempowering. I had had to take on a lot of control with in the relationship. I had to make sure we had food that I had fuel for work, I had become like a mother figure, if I had just given him money when he wanted it I would have nothing after a week from pay day. I had to budget, I had to get us through the month. I also had taken it on my self ( my addiction) to think I could some how cure him, get him to detox, rehab, get him well. It wasn’t my place but then I didn’t know. That’s something I learnt from my programme. I was no different than a lot of enablers we take it upon ourselves to try to fix it. To cure the addict to make them fit what we want, rather than focus on ourselves and keep our own business. As part of my programme I was asked how would I feel if someone tried to do everything for me that they knew best what I needed 24/7? Yet that’s what I was doing had been doing I knew best, what was best for him.
So yes right now I was feeling very disempowered. I had to let it be had to let it happen and not having control was scaring me.
I txt him of course I couldn’t stop my self! Thanks very much want to speak to your mum over me? Great thank you very much! That makes me feel really loved and important not! Unsurprisingly no response!
A few days later I get another call, K will be calling you this weekend. Good! I think, but part of me didn’t want to talk to him I knew what he was going to say. I had visited his mum, we actually got on well. We had discussed the fact he had a phone. I asked if he had called her. She said he had borrowed someone’s phone and had called her, she said he asked if she would visit and she had said no. I didn’t tell her it was his phone, I didn’t want to make a bad situation worse. His brother had been at the house, when I was there. He was ‘sympathetic’ is the best way of explaining his behaviour towards me. It was as if he knew something. I openly discussed the fact he had said something about not being able to be with me, but I was being cautious I wanted to see how much they knew. His bro said he had called him, yes I said he said you were going to take him to groups when he got out. That’s a big responsibility to take on L. I was thinking you won’t do it you. You might take him a few times but you have no idea of the commitment you are taking on, your girlfriend won’t be happy about you taking him to groups every night. But said nothing. L had to go he got up and came over to me and gave me a big hug, sorry he says. So he knew, K had spoken to him about it then. He didn’t want to be with me and had discussed it with his brother! After he left I asked his mum what has he said to you? Nothing she says, come on I say I know he has said something! No he asked me to pick him up he phone late at night…what? I said no….. This conversation was later denied by her, But she definitely said it because I remember being so shocked that he wanted to leave….maybe that’s why he wants to finish it with me I am thinking so he can leave and then I can’t say anything, he knows he would be letting me down…….
he phoned as was promised, but he was like a broken record, I have to learn to be able to look after myself, i can’t be with you if I am in here. So does that mean when you are not in there we can be together? I don’t know I don’t know how I feel about anything any more, but I need to focus on what I need to do and you’re a distraction. But if we are together when you come out we need to work together now so I understand your programme and can support you, I was grasping at straws I knew, but I didn’t want to loose him. It didn’t even enter my head that he didn’t love me, that he had only used me for the money and now he didn’t need the money he didn’t need me! I was Deaf to what he was saying, I was in total denial, that he didn’t love me. After everything we had been thro the good and the bad. I never wanted to be with an addict, that wasn’t who I met, I wanted my lovely funny loving man back, he had been in there less than a month and they had turned him against me! Not allowing us the chance of living happy ever after. No I refused to accept it. We were just going round in circles. I don’t remember what or how the conversation ended. But I was crying.
A couple for days later I got another call. Could I come and see him the following weekend? Yes of course I could! This was my chance, I could try to talk him out of this. No I would not let this ship go down, I was fighting for my happiness,and my man.