Confusion and panic

Over the next couple of weeks things started to change and it was scaring me. He wasn’t calling as much or answering my txt messages. He was posting on Facebook which I told him to be careful About because he didn’t know who was looking. He never mentioned me or responded to anything I posted or if I sent a message. I was getting more and more worried that something was wrong. When he did call he was distant almost always angry at me. I put it down to him struggling with the programme he said it was hard he has to go to loads of groups that he didn’t think it was fair he had to pay rent for the house he was living in and the flat, he wasn’t happy about a lot of things. Then he said I need to learn how to be by myself i can’t be reliant on you. Ok I agree, yes you probably do. But we are a couple so we need to work together on this. Well I have been told I shouldn’t be in a relationship for a year after I finish rehab! What? We are a couple I find it hard to believe that you are not expected to come home to me? That is ridiculous. They must have people that are married I find it very hard to believe they expect you to finish with me! Well I can’t be with you if i am doing this. Wow I felt like I had been slapped in the face. What was he saying? Babe this isn’t making sense to me I say, we are together we were when you went in I don’t see how they can expect you to not work with me on this! I have to go he says. So he does and I am left with an overwhelming sense of foreboding, if he thinks I will sit back and let it just happen after everything I have put up with over the last 2 years he has another think coming! I was not going to sit back and just let this happen, I would fight for him if I had to!
It was late but I decided in the morning I was ringing the centre back. His key worker had not got back to me and i wanted to know what the hell was going on. I was scared and angry.
I had a feeling something wasn’t right but I really wasn’t expecting the response I got when I called.
I got to speak to his key worker, he asked who I was. I am his girlfriend and I am surprised that no one has called me, I want him to be successful on release and I would have thought you would have been in contact with me by now, if for nothing more to let me know how he had settled in, I called a couple of weeks ago and was told you would call back but didn’t. I don’t know very much about his programme and I want to support him the right way when he comes home.
Who are you again? he asked. His girlfriend!!! Oh right well we weren’t aware you were still together? What? Erm maybe I got that wrong, he tries to back track, hang on I say if you don’t think we are still together then he must have said something to you! I am living in his flat we better bloody well be still together! So if you know something you had better tell me because my work is here my home is here and if i need to make different arrangements I need to know! NOW. I can’t say he tells me, well as far as I am concerned I am very much still in a relationship with him, I thought about mentioning the phone but knew he would be thrown out and I would get the blame so said obviously I haven’t had any contact so I need to know. This is the first I have heard of this I only phoned because I was worried and wanted to work with you to promote his success on release, yes he says we normally work closely with families and loved ones if we know about them. BAM! If they know about them! They didn’t even think we were in a relationship any more what was going on? I was in a heightened state of panic and disbelief my life was falling apart and I had no control over it. I tried to calm myself. I will speak to him he says and we will get back to you. I am sorry he says, thank you not as sorry as I am. We hang up. What the hell?? My greatest fears all played out in one phone call. My heart was breaking. All my dreams and hopes were being ripped from me, my life as I knew it, how I had played it out in my head was disappearing. I couldn’t even see him or talk to him. What had I done? I know we had it rough before he went away but it was always over money that we argued about. I loved him with my very heart body and soul, how could this be happening? What was happening? I thought this was one of the worst days of my life, but this was just the beginning it was about to get a whole lot worse!
I said a few posts back that this would be hard for me and a lot of the pain confusion and hurt is still very current as I wrote that. The pain the feeling of betrayal I experienced back then 10 months ago I would experience again and again. I just hope this time I won’t go through it again.


4 thoughts on “Confusion and panic

  1. I feel for your struggle, though I have to admit I see this all from the other side. Having been a drug addict for a number of years which is unfortunately greater than 10, I know how hard it is when people who want to be there for you become disappointed and, ultimately, disillusioned as the struggle doesn’t go as smoothly as they’d hoped. It’s hard for them and it’s not the kind of pain they need to put up with. Yet, I might add that in those moments where one desires nothing more than have another, which I acknowledge doesn’t always outwardly appear to be the case, and find some minor solace, a quiet inlet off the stormy shoals, to find that, an und für sich, you are looked upon as a sad burden, a hopeless and spiteful leper, could not be more alienating and spurs the user with haste back into their hiding places.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, as you may read in the future as my journey is told i had no idea of what he was experiencing and how my illness – my addiction- was affecting us both. I was so in love with him all i wanted was him clean it was what he told me again and again that he wanted, but maybe not at any cost. At this point in my journey i did not know or understand enough. I was lost and hurt and very much alone. It was all about me and getting my needs met. As i say my addiction, not that far removed from his. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

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