The visit

So I got though the next week and could hardly wait to drive to Liverpool to see him. I was nervous of course I knew he would be ill, but this would be the first time I had seen him without drugs in his body ( not including prescription drugs) since we went to Egypt for my birthday the October before. Not that he changed when we had been on holiday in fact he didn’t seem to have any negative affects at all. He had been given some tablet form of methadone, it was strong and he said it worked well but they wouldn’t give it to him in England. It was too expensive or something. But it held him well so he wasn’t too irritable. Plus he drank a lot which I guess helped. Well not helped but stopped the feelings of wanting to use. Also he had things to do we went snorkelling and swimming, so he was busy. So now in cold dreary England he was having to deal with all the feelings of withdrawal from heroin and crack plus a reduction in his methadone, so I wasn’t expecting miracles.
I found the house, and was greeted by staff. He came out and was looking well. Had a bit of colour to him and his face didn’t have the long drawn look it usually had when he is using. He took me to the family room and we made small talk. He was ok he was attending groups he spoke about himself, eventually asking how I was and how work had been. I was nervous and felt uncomfortable, there was another couple in the room he introduced me as his girlfriend and I relaxed a bit. We sat just holding hands and he chatted on about nothing. He felt like a stranger but I was so pleased to see him. After about half an hour he asked if I wanted a cup of tea and said he wanted a smoke, so we got a drink and he took me into a smoking room. I don’t smoke, but sat in there with him. 2 or 3 other residents came in, after he said they were just being nosey want to see who I was. I hoped he wasn’t ashamed of me. I had dressed up and put makeup on, I didn’t want him to be embarrassed by me, I wanted to look my best given my age and he had said everyone in there were a lot younger than him. I knew how cruel people can be, and how some people get a kick out of taking the piss out of others, bullying, so didn’t want to give any reason for him to feel ashamed of me. It wasn’t often that our age difference made a difference but I was acutely aware of it at times. I think that came about not from him but right at the start way back when he came to stay at mine the first time. We had called into a garage, when we were in there he was getting a drink, and I had asked if he wanted anything else, and the girl behind the counter had made some comment about aw is mummy buying you a drink? I don’t know if he knew her ( it was in Macclesfield) or if she was just being a bitch, but I just said I am not his mother I am his girlfriend. Paid and walked out. But it stuck with me, especially when I was with him around people that didn’t know us. He knew that episode hurt me and was lovely about it afterwards but I don’t think he realised how much of an effect it had on me. And if he did. He never said, but then again neither did I.
So being in the detox place made me nervous. There was all these young people all there for different reasons and addictions. It was sad really, and it must have been hard on him being the eldest there. A man in his 40’s surrounded by kids in their teens and twenties. But he wasn’t there for a holiday and make mates was he? he was there to get clean before going to rehab. But of course bonds are made. A common bond. Something I could never share with him. He had more to do with these people more in common than we could have. It was obvious that he would feel more at ease with them. He shared stuff with them that he wouldn’t share with me because they understood it, they too had their own addictions. He was in groups with these people so of course they shared stuff about their lives. It was expected. Thinking right back to when we met that is exactly what he had done with me in the hospital. I thought it had been an honestly thing, but I guess now I have come to learn that it is what is expected, when you are in that environment.
We went back to the main room, sat and chatted about nothing really. It was mainly about him and others in the detox centre. He didn’t point anyone out and break confidentiality but he talked about why people were there. I guess I was so wrapped up in my own happiness at being able to see him, I wasn’t paying attention, to how he was with me. Maybe I am over analysing it now. But I had no reason to suspect anything was wrong between us. Maybe there wasn’t. Yet.
The 2 hours flew by, it was time to go. He kissed me and hugged me and said he would call. I drove home, I hated him being in there but knew it was the only way. At the end of the following week he would have done his 3 weeks. I assumed they would transport him to the rehab centre so was in for a bit of a shock when he called me and said could I pick him up on the Sunday and take him home. He said that they wouldn’t take him to the rehab he had to go to a centre in Macclesfield on the Monday morning and that they had arranged for him to get a lift from there. I was overjoyed to have him home for a night, because I knew once he went into rehab there would be no contact for 3 weeks. So the following Sunday I drove over picked him up and came back to Macclesfield with him. He wanted to see his family of course, I think we went to him mums, but can’t remember if she was in or not. He was phoning everyone. He was only allowed one phone call a day in detox and most nights phoned me. So obviously wanted to catch up with everyone. I suppose I was a bit reluctant to share him with anyone we had less than 24 hours together. I wanted us to do something but he wasn’t well enough. We went for something to eat but he wasn’t hungry. He had done a rapid detox and wasn’t at all well. So I got something to eat and we went back to the flat. He didn’t sleep much that night. He seemed closed, irritable with me, but I put it down to the detox. He had come off 40mls a day to zero in 3 weeks. I had no idea how hard that was then. He had asked if he could stay another couple of weeks in detox but they said no. But now I wonder if he wanted to stay there for other reasons…..
As with everything drug service related in Macclesfield nothing happens as its meant to. He was supposed to be getting a call in the morning about when he was being picked up. He had all his clothes and things with him and I was supposed to go to work. In the end I called in work and said my car was broken down because I had a very strong feeling if I didn’t get him to rehab he wouldn’t go! His lift didn’t happen, more phone calls…he was making noises about getting a phone and smuggling it in. I told him I thought that was a very bad idea, if he got caught he would be thrown out. But he was very insistent so as I have said before what K wants K gets. So we go to tescos and I buy him a cheap phone. He is very persuasive like I say,and said well then I can call you, you don’t want to be without speaking to me for 3 weeks, I know you will worry…. We then have to go to a different centre as someone there was going to pick him up, this is all before 10.30! So we pack his things into the car and drive him round. Eventually the guy comes and takes him away. He says to me I will bring him back when he’s fit and well, thanks I say. It was almost as though he couldn’t wait to get away from me. No hugs or kisses good bye, but then again we are in public. So I push my feelings of hurt down. One thing he did do though before he left was say I was right about the phone. He didn’t take it with him. For that I was grateful. So I am there in the street my man taken from me again. But this time no phone calls for 3 weeks! As long as he had been in detox with no contact. No letters nothing. It was going to be a tough 3 weeks. For us both! But it had to be worth it didn’t it? A life free form drugs. This is what I had wanted for so long, but that was just it wasn’t it? It was what I wanted, he said he did too, and back then had no reason to doubt it, but wanting it isn’t always enough.

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