The countdown began….

So the next couple of months were a bit emotional. Before we got a new date for rehab, I booked a long weekend away for his birthday. Up in Scotland. I couldn’t actually book the weekend of his birthday but got the month after. It was always difficult trying to plan ahead, I never knew if he would get arrested get community service, or the like but thought if he didn’t have anything hanging over him that he could get arrested for ( he promised he hadn’t) then I would book it. It was a nice hotel with a spa. He loved going to hotels with spas, who wouldn’t! Plus it was one of those offers you get from Groupon, so i think it should have been about £100 each but I got it at half price. Tbh I can’t remember the full price now but it was about half what it should have been for 2 nights Bed and Breakfast.
Things had been a bit tense between us for a while. I was scared to open my mouth and say how I was feeling. I was feeling as though he only wanted me money, that he was using me, I had seen a conversation he had had on FB about me to someone, she was laughing at him say aw poor you got fed up of your sugar mummy, so I was annoyed about that, but there was never a good time to talk. He was either wanted to get drugs or had got drugs so I knew his head was never in a place to listen to how it was impacting on me. How hard it was, so we just got on on a superficial level. One evening he was mithering me for money, so I just told him to go get it himself, to take my cash card and car, I was tired I wasn’t sleeping well, because his sleep patterns were so erratic, he would watch TV in the bedroom long into the early hours so I was only half sleeping. The big tv we had in the living room had been sent to cash converters for £50 . He went out and didn’t come back for some time. We had a massive row and I got my things and left. I did this on more than one occasion. Sometimes I would threaten to leave and just stand there, waiting for him to ask me not to go, sometimes he did sometimes he didn’t. On this occasion he didn’t. So I go. It’s half ten at night. I didn’t get home til midnight. He didn’t call or txt I was devastated – again! In the morning my phone rang, I thought it was going to be him, it wasn’t it was work. Hi Karen C here! Hi. C was operational manager so it wasn’t a booking, there’s no easy way to tell you this, she says so I will just come out and say it. We have to let you go. WHAT??? What was she saying, I was loosing my job, on top of leaving him I was now loosing my job?? She was saying something but I couldn’t really take it all in…. Consultation period, profit margins…blah blah blah….end of the month. I was crying, I didn’t know what else I could do. Not only had I lost my livelihood I had walked out on my man, and he didn’t care enough to call and ask me back. My life was falling apart how would I pay my bills? I would end up homeless too at this rate, why was life so bloody cruel to me???
She said something about if I wanted to work for them in a freelance capacity I would get first choice of bookings. I was experiencing so many emotions anger frustration sorrow I was even grateful that they were offering me freelance work. But most of all helplessness. I just wasn’t emotionally strong enough to deal with all this and the huge implications this had on me. Once I got off the phone and calmed down a bit I rang him, I didn’t expect him to answer but he did. I have just lost my job I said. What why because of me? Really I thought no poor you are you ok come over and see me, is its because of YOU! No I say it’s not because of you, though now that was going through my head, yes it probably has got quite a lot to do with my association with you, but didn’t want to shift the blame or make him feel responsible. But the fact that 3 work phones had gone missing in the space of 2 years probably did have some bearing, the fact that I was refusing to accept work in the evenings, that I wanted to be with him to keep an eye on him, was taking time off work to attend meetings with him to get him into bloody detox, yes it probably had quite a lot to do with him! Can I come over? Yes he says so I get my things and drive back. They had given me the day off so I could get myself together! Thanks!! On my way I decide I have to be pro active about this, so I phoned a rival company. I used to work for them when I was freelance, and briefly told them that I was being made redundant, and could they put me back on the books, i would be available from the end of February. She said that it was great news to have me back on their freelance list, and I started to feel a bit better about myself.
I arrived at the flat and all he wanted to do was go out and get drugs, but to be fair he was sympathetic and supportive, saying it was wrong, and asking me what I would do. I said I would probably go freelance trying to explain that I was a bit scared of going freelance, I wouldn’t have a regular income, my bills would have to come first, it would be a struggle. I probably sounded to him like C had sounded to me….he didn’t give a damn about the details, I was projecting into the future talking about things that hadn’t even happened yet.
His birthday came and went, we didn’t have much money so we went for a meal. It was a nice enough evening, a tiny bit of normality in a chaotic world.
The company I had contacted also asked me in for an interview. They offered me a job, I was so relieved if they had asked me to clean the toilets I would have gladly accepted. I needed a steady income. It was less money than I was on at the other place, but I thought well we will still be loaded once he comes out of detox and rehab, all that money spent on drugs can go towards normal things like holidays hobbies doing things!
In the summer I had also applied for an allotment. I thought it would be good for him at the weekends to do a bit of hard manual labour, digging it over for me ha ha so we could grow vegetables. I received an email saying a plot was coming up and did I want to have a look at it. He seemed genuinely pleased when I told him, so the following weekend we went down to have a look at it. It was only half of a small plot but it was big enough or so I thought! It was more or less empty a few onions and what looked like potatoes, but the lady told me that the sticks surrounding the plot were raspberries, and I spied some strawberry plants so I thought why not. So we became land owners! A little bit of happiness.
But of course this month had been sent to try my resolve and patience and test me emotionally!
I had a message of someone I had known in Leeds. We weren’t bosom buddies but I had interpreted her wedding a few years previously. Her husband was Deaf. They were a nice couple. She told me that sadly her husband had passed away. I was so sad for her, I offered to interpret the funeral, he was a well liked man in the Deaf community, it was the least I could do for her. I said that I was on leave the week of the funeral so she only had to tell me when and I would be there. I was grateful that it wasnt me, but of course it reminded me that life is taken away all to quickly and not to take it for granted. He has a bit of a morbid curiosity about death, maybe because he lost the girl he was with before me, maybe because he knows he is gambling with death every time he sticks a needle in himself but he almost seemed to get a buzz off hearing someone he knew had died. Maybe because this time it wasn’t him?
Strangely I don’t remember when exactly we had a meeting with the drugs team, but it was around the same time. I am fairly sure it was after being made redundant, or at least after the phone call telling me, because if I had known he was going to detox I don’t think I would have been so stressed out. But we had a meeting, and he was going, at the end of February. They needed to try to reduce his methadone before he went into detox because it was only for 3 weeks and he had to be off it before he went to rehab. He would be going to rehab in Manchester. He would be in a house with others and attend his treatment programme from there. He wouldn’t be allowed any contact with the outside world for 3 weeks, but when he was in detox would be allowed visits and phone calls. There seemed to be so much information to take in. But this was it, what I had put up with all the bad behaviour for. We were going to get a life together free of drugs! I was happy scared relieved frightened something might happen and he would loose the place, again! He was feeling much the same. But at last things were turning a corner, he was going to get better I had a new job, the prince and princess would live happily ever after!

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