No one likes the unknown, but he did know. He had done this before, he had even worked at the unit when he was in the last stage of rehab last time….he felt a bit ashamed to be going back to somewhere he knew the staff and had worked along side them as a volunteer, but I said well I don’t suppose you will be the first or last that have had to go through this more than once, they won’t be sitting in judgement, they will be pleased for you that you are trying again. I don’t know how much of what I said went in, if he heard it or believed it if he did. If you’re reading this (karl) it would be good to know! I add that because I think he has read some of this. He has made comments to me that could relate to this blog, after I spoke about the affection thing a few posts back, he didn’t do it again….like he knew I knew! He was being taken there by the staff from the drugs team. I hated the thought of him going but knew he had to. 2 weeks before I could see him, it seemed like an eternity. He said for me to stay in the flat, but I was unsure. It would feel strange without him there or knowing he would walk thought the door. I was starting my new job on the Monday, so after dropping him off I went home. He called me thankfully he was allowed to call. He called me every day. It was hard sometimes there were staff there the door alarm was going every few minutes/seconds, but he called and everything was good. He didn’t want to go to groups he was starting to rattle plus the detox of methadone, so he was ill. But I was grateful he called. He seemed to focus on the positives that once he had got through this we could get on and have a good life. Every thing was good, but couldn’t wait to see him.
Sadly the first weekend that he was in there and I wasn’t allowed to see him was the same weekend as the Scotland trip! After we had found out that he was going I wanted to cancel the trip, but he was insistent that I went. So I asked my sister to come with me. I felt as though I was betraying him somehow, doing special stuff when he was in there, it was his birthday present after all said and done. I know putting my life on hold didn’t make it any better for either of us, but having a good time just didn’t seem right. That said I did have a good time, it was nice to have a weekend away but nicer to share it with my sister. We hadn’t done anything together like this for a very long time! (thanks for coming sis!)
He didn’t call me when he promised he would that weekend, I was upset, all my fears came back with just such a little act. He was in there with people like him, maybe he had found some one else to replace me that understood how he was feeling that got it, what did I know about addiction? nothing. And even less about detox. I was angry at him, no I suppose I was scared, scared he didn’t want me. Apart from a few nights apart in the last year we were together 24/7 apart from when I was working! And even then he would tag along at times to keep himself away from temptation. I won’t say it ruined my weekend but it did upset me.
but we were a week down now, another 7 days and I could see him!