Life goes on….

The thing is my life was in chaos, but most of it was now my normality, which is why I am now struggling to think of things to tell you about. I would go to work and go back to the house he wouldn’t be there or answering his phone, so I came to understand that meant he had been arrested. It wasn’t often but even so I did worry if he disappeared. To get by we used to go to cash converters. My poor iPad spent more time in there than not. The problem with cash converters is you have to pay back what you borrowed plus the interest. So iPad in, borrow £80 on it or what ever but then you had to find £126 to get it back out within 28 days. Often I couldn’t afford it so rolled it over. Paying £26 something to keep it in for another month. At the worst it was in for about 4 months. It annoyed me that I had to put my possessions in to get money for him, and fuel, he didn’t seem to understand or care the frustration I was feeling, so rather than argue about it I kept quiet. It wouldn’t change anything we would just Not have any money! Before I joined my fellowship I really didn’t understand why he couldn’t stop using drugs. He had his methadone that was supposed to suppress his cravings for drugs but he just used most days as well as the methadone. He moved to the flat some time after October 2012. He had been in the house for a bout a year and I know it was after my birthday ( in the October ) but before Christmas. We had a tree in the flat so I know we were in there then. I think that’s when things changed between us. Or at least for him. He seemed more distant, but it may have just been his increased use. I didn’t think for one minute there was anyone else apart from the Eastern Temptress in his life, but the closeness we had in the house seemed to deminish. But we had our own space, I didn’t have to stress about getting a shower or going the toilet, it was just me and him. The flat is small, it’s a long space divided into 4 rooms that open into the next. So you come in from outside into the kitchen and there is a room to the left that we used as the living room, then the other side of the kitchen is the bathroom and then the bedroom. It wasn’t  big, just a bit bigger than the width of a double bed. But it was his – ours he used to say. That Christmas we we went to my mum and dads Christmas Eve and Christmas day, then Boxing Day drove back so he could see his mum. I don’t remember driving around looking for drugs and I know he was trying hard not to use but it always got the better of him. I can’t believe it is only a year ago now! It seems like such a long time ago! When you have no money it’s always awkward at Christmas. I had managed to get a few presents even for his family, but it was hard. The year before I had been given a bonus at work £100 of john Lewis vouchers so thankfully had managed to by some presents with that. Plus I wasn’t seeing my family until after Christmas so thank you John Lewis for your Boxing Day sales! I had the week off so there was no pressure to go home. We spent the New year at his sisters. We didn’t really get on, we had fallen out at his mothers birthday party in the summer. Partly my fault but mainly due to her double standards. Thinking it was ok to snort Coke but that K was somehow worse because he used Heroin….a long story that I can’t be bothered to go into. So here was 2013 new year new me he said! (Again) but I was hopeful. As always. But as is my case be careful for what you wish for. Detox was just around the corner and that would change everything!

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