Bit more day to day stuff

i am aware that this might read a bit winy. A bit poor me haven’t  I have had  a hard time. It’s not meant to read like that. It’s meant to be a true reflection of my life living with someone elses addiction, and how I became so ill from it. As I have said I was totally besotted with him. To start with I suppose I found it a bit exciting, living on the edge, putting myself in fairly risky situations. I don’t like normal! I don’t like mundane, I get bored easily. Have quite a short concentration span. I suppose that why I love my job so much, I never know what someone is going to say I don’t know how someone will react, I have to give it 110% concentration, think on my feet. It’s alive working in 2 languages simultaneously. Mentally stimulating. So all this to start with was a new experience. Don’t get me wrong I have had my fair share of illegal substances in my time, including class ‘A’ s. I was a big clubber in the late 90’s so did my fair share of E’s coke and fet. Even had a bit of a fet habit for a while, but it was recreational right so that makes it ok! I know it doesn’t but we justify it at the time. Bit like him how many times has he said to me well at least I don’t drink….I would rather do this than be an alchi! At least I now what I am doing….. Yes we can all justify using our chosen substance, my view is don’t sit in judgement or make comparisons….some are legal some are not, but if your wasted your wasted regardless. If you break the law you break the law. But you see he was/is a very amenable man. He has a very sarcastic sense of humour a bit like my own, he is very charming and can talk his way in or out of any situation. He knows how to behave, to get people to like him, he is polite thoughtful, kind even. He is manipulative! He is clever, street wise, a very good judge of character defects and uses them to his advantage, he has had to be good at thinking on his feet to get out of situations bad situations quickly. He’s not violent physically, he hates to see me cry, just last week when I said I was going and was in tears he was kissing my eyes  wiping away my tears and pleading with me to stop crying, that he hated to see me cry and hated it that he  made me feel so sad. He would get clean on Thursday he would get his meth increased…..we had that conversation so many times over the years. I always believed him. Because I truely think he does want to stop, just can’t stop himself. The only time he is clean is if he is in jail or rehab, because he is in a more controlled environment. Don’t get me wrong, even when incarsarated he could use if he wanted to . He told me that he could have used in jail this time if he wanted to but he didn’t. But I digress!

So yes my life was like a Jekel and Hyde life. In the day I went to work held down a responsible job, in the evening night time I was driving around Macclesfield to get drugs. One night I think it ws a Sunday he was really struggling to get anything. We were running around all over and nothing was happening. Eventually he saw a couple walking down the street jumped out the car and ran over to them. They came back with him. He said look these know someone can we give them a lift. He knew I didn’t like having other druggies in the car, my druggie was ok but I didn’t want other low life’s in my car driving them around! Please love I can’t get anyone to answer. I wasn’t happy and asked where we had to go. Over the other side of mac, we will give u directions he says…..we ended up in Wythenshaw! I was fuming 20 miles away! Not only that it transpires we were going to a crack house, OMFG! I really was not happy about this. I suppose I  could have just refused but I couldn’t show him up in front of this couple. The male was obviously high on something coke based, he didn’t shut up, chatting shit for 30 minutes going there. When we go in we have to share a pipe they won’t let us go if we don’t. We have to do what they say….blah blah blah, he doesnt use I pipe I think to myself, you obviously don’t know him very well he wants that shit in his veins as quickly as possible he won’t be happy sitting around sharing a pipe! We got to some dingy estate I was told to turn the car around so that I could get a quick get away if needed! REALLY! This is getting scary! We sat in the car for a bit and a black car with blacked out windows arrived, he’s here the man said. K goes to get out the car, wait the guy says wait til he’s in the house. We wait. The driver gets out and goes inside, the man in the back says don’t leave until he ( the driver) opens the door and let’s us out, oh and by the way there is a guy in the back room he is dying just ignore him, it stinks in there cos he is usually lying in his own shit…. Nice I think! Obviously I don’t go in! After what was probably only 20 minutes they came out, the guy that had driven up was shouting at K are you fucking mad shut the door, it was all very scary, not something I wanted to experience again, character building I think it’s called! We dropped them off and I said don’t ever ever put me in that situation again. No I didn’t enjoy that I didn’t get a buzz off it it was one experience that I didn’t want to do again and could have quite happily not experienced at all! This was the low life, living with an addict was one thing, ( but he was my addict) but crack houses no thanks. Ha ha just read that back I sound like him saying heroin is better than drinking! Yeah and scoring heroin on the streets is preferable than going to a crack house in South manchester! ( but it is!) but I suppose sadly scoring on the streets had become my normality, and although I didn’t like it it seemed safer than going to a crack house!


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