No news

still nothing, I text him again today just to say I don’t mind if you and me are finished ( I do of course) but just let me know you are alive and well. Well alive then! Oh and told him I written a letter. It’s a hard reality that I have to face. And I know I keep going on about it but I am trying to make sense of it in my head. Writing down helps, I can read my thoughts back and try to understand what I am thinking. Where my behaviour fits into my programme what his behaviour says about his feelings for me. I know outsiders have told me their perseptions of his behaviour. My good friend I think wants to shake me and make me see the truth that she keeps telling me! I am in denial of course. Because to believe that this has been nothing to him but a meal ticket and drugs money is too hard to accept 3 years of wasted time and emotion, yes that would be a shame more than a shame what does it say about me? So desperate to be with him I put up with all the bad behaviour? I still am of the belief there is a good man in there I have seen it. I suppose I find it difficult to accept because I couldn’t do it myself. Be a gold digger? No way. Maybe I have a very scwed view of love. I believe in love, even now. I find rejection hard. But I couldn’t be with someone just for their bank balance. I would struggle to be intimate with someone I didn’t care for. I couldn’t bear to touch someone even hold hands if I didn’t have that connection. But then again I am not a drug addict. No one likes to think they are being taken advantage of. I have to accept all these things may have been what he was doing with me. But i struggle to accept it. The reason being when we first got together he wasn’t using drugs. The drugs came later after he lost his job. Or at least that’s what I am lead to believe. Still in denial then šŸ˜”

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3 thoughts on “No news

  1. I pray that you can get past this and move on with the life you so deserve. I know its hard to hear and think about but eventually you will get over it. Keep venting through your blog. I am here for you.

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    1. Thank you Eric. The one thing i dont like doing is going back on my word to him. I said i would be there for him i wouldnt turn ny back like everyone else. His family dont care, and for all the badness he gas done to me i still care for him. I just have to care for me more if he gave up the drugs and wanted me i would be there in a shot, cos i know its yhe drugs tgat nake him behave the way he does but thank you šŸ˜Š

      Liked by 1 person

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