Goodbye my love

Tonight I wrote him a letter. I have to have closure now. He hasn’t called his phone was still off last time I tried it. He will have binged today. No constraints on his spending. I am not enough for him, my life is not enough for him, but more sadly his life is not enough for him. I don’t want to turn my back on him, had every intention of seeing if he would be good to his word on Thursday and get his methadone script transferred to my home and get sorted out. I believe him when he says he hates using drugs and methadone I believe him when he says a lot of things. I believe he loves me in his own way, I believe he loves the idea of having the life style he could have with me, but he did 4 weeks in jail to get off the drugs and no sooner did he come out he used. No the lies the excuses it has to stop. I can’t stop it it’s not my place to try. All I can do is have my programme. Just for today I will have my programme, I might not follow it exactly but I will have it. So today I put it into practice ( again) sick and tired of being sick and tired. Yes I am. I don’t sit in judgement of him how would I know what is the right thing for him to do? I am not the addict he is. I am powerless over his addiction step one. How can I tell him what he should or shouldn’t do. He has to make the choices for himself. He knows he shouldn’t do it but he does. I pray he has just used me until his benefits came through. Because I pray he isn’t dead, and being used is the better alternative. For me at least. If I know him at all I know he will feel guilt he will feel bad for what he has done to me, but another dig will fix that, deaden the pain. Once again he has fucked up and another one has walked away he destroys everything that is good in his life ( his words) Karl I tried, I tried to stand by you regardless of what others had done. I wanted you to see that no matter what I understood I believed in you, in my eyes you were something special. I knew what you were doing was wrong no one wants to sit back and watch someone you love kill themselves. So I allowed you to take advantage to treat me like shit and be there for you, I forgive I forgave I gave you all I had, but it will never be enough. I didn’t want to be like the others. But you have just disappeared out of my life, so today I set myself free, even if it’s just for a few hours or days. I walk away the one thing I said I would never do. I don’t think this time I have a choice though. You had it all you took it all and once again you left me. I know it’s the drugs that’s why I stay and take it all the abuse the feelings of helplessness the feelings of not being good enough, the feelings that I have failed you the feelings that maybe if I loved you more you would love me more and do the right thing. Want to do it put up with a few days of pain and suffering to get out of the life you lead. But that is my dream not yours. So for now I say good bye. I wish you well I wish you loved me more, enough, but I know I will never be enough for you. I am broken Karl I don’t blame you, I blame myself for allowing myself to believe I was wanted for the right reasons believed everything you told me. It’s a bit weird really living my programme isn’t that dis similar to living with addiction. Just turned on its head a bit. Yet living with your addiction as hard and as horrible as it is is actually easier than living my programme. Why? Because I have to say no to you in my programme and I am not very good at that am I? And also because I love you and want to be with you! So all the abuse is forgotten about pushed to one side. It’s late I need to sleep. I feel as tho I am rambling – I am! So reader forgive my thoughts tonight I am not happy at the moment. My mental health isn’t very good not a lot of PMA going on today.