A head full of doubt

this moring  I wake up to my head full of doubt. I doubt my programme because it seems so full of contradictions, it tells me that addiction is a disease, which I believe, but then tells me that I can’t help the person that is ill. Or to help them I have to stop helping them. I want my programme to have a magic wand and make everything all right for me. It can’t of course and I think I am using it as an excuse, because I still don’t know what is going on with K. I was good I didn’t call him again or text him. But it’s the not knowing that I struggle with and always has been. When I was lying in bed last night I was playing through my head how we had said good bye, trying to get some hint of whether he was saying goodbye for the final time. The way he hugged me so tight, felt like the time when we split up. Take the lager back with you so you can have a drink….why was he thinking I would want a drink? Did he know that this was the last time i  Would see him? Then the sensible bit of my head kicks in, he answered your first call, stop creating things in your head, that haven’t happened yet. Why would he finish it with you, he wouldn’t have bothered asking for your bank details to say he would pay in the money if he had no intention of doing so. He even said I know if I don’t give you the money back I won’t see you again! If that was his intention he wouldn’t have gone to the trouble, would he?

So I now have to make a choice, believe he wants me in his life and something negative has happened the police I can deal with, thats nothing in the big scheme of things, it’s not the first time he has disappeared, been arrested. He was up to no good that’s for sure, before he went to jail. I did ask but he said there was nothing major, not that there was nothing. And the police were following him yesterday so I guess I have to put it down to that. Chaos normal service has resumed. No thanks not for me. But of course if he has been arrested and is released on bail then he will call me later.

I suppose something must be working as I slept last night, in the past I would have called and txt him getting more and more wound up, so I did good! I guess I want him to know I have changed too. That I am not obsessed with him like I was before. Obsessed with his addiction I should say.

I have to ‘let it go’ what will be will be. Putting it down in words helps me no end. Gives me the space now it get on with my life. No doubt I will update you all later!


3 thoughts on “A head full of doubt

  1. And missed this one… Not sure how!? I like this bit: ‘chaos, normal service has resumed. No thanks not for me.’ Its you realising you were better off when apart from all that madness… Keep on thinking that…. It’s true! 😀 xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks Henri, i think even when i wrote it i knew i wouldnt be seeing him again, well for a while! I said to mum yesterday, i am surprised he burnt his bridges, so serverely this time, he usually keeps me hanging on so he can tap me for another £20! His benefits will have been long spent now! But maybe he has realised just how badly his behaviour affects me. Changes me. From calm and serene to mad woman from hell in the space of 2 weeks no 1 week! He will have seen me happy over christmas at home with me ma and pa to a screeching banshee by the end of last week! Crap way of dumping me but i am grateful he has let me go! Xx


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