Suppressing the panic

So back to now….tonight is the first night we have been apart since he came out of jail. As I said earlier all was good when I left. Big hugs and kiss good bye. A promise of a payment of what he owed me, it not a great deal of money but a promise on his initiation so all good right? Give me a call when you get home. I did. He always asked me to call him when I got home, I think he worried a little bit no I know he did. He had been in a car crash which I think made him worry. I also think he worried because his ex died when he wasn’t there, or maybe he just cared enough about me to be worried! Not that hard to understand really when I feel the same about Him? All was cool. He had seen his landlady she wasn’t happy but it is what it is! Most her properties are rented to people with ‘pasts’. Before he went to jail he hadn’t paid his rent for a while. He told her he would pay what he could. As we were chatting he said he was being followed by an unmarked police car. But asked me to call him when I finished work. He was saying his leg was hurting, probably cos he was walking and it swells up, but said I would call him later. When I finished work I called, no answer. That’s cool I said to my self, don’t let the old behaviours surface, don’t start stressing about things you don’t have the facts about. Don’t allow the unknown to take over your thinking. Focus on what you have learnt. Stressing about something you have no control over only stresses you it doesn’t change the situation, he could be on the toilet he could be in the shops he could….he could be using he could have been arrested SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! But that’s what happens in your head when you are with an addict, all the what ifs all the negative things that could happen come into your head. It’s not my monkey it’s not my circus it’s not my monkey it’s not my circus ITS NOT MY MONKEY, but it is though Karen isn’t it! You have made it your business again, you have allowed yourself to be dragged into his world and if you don’t trust him, then what? Back to where we were 10 months ago….is that what you want??? No, NO. HE HASNT ANSWERED HIS PHONE, exactly he hasn’t answered his phone, so what breathe! It’s not a big deal. Leave it call again in a bit……
So I do still no answer, I am trying not to allow it to bother me, I text, tell him I won’t phone again (don’t want him to think I am ‘needy’ clingy something he has accused me of in the past,) but did he want me to come round after work tomorrow? Still no answer…..
I would love to tell you I am good with it! That my programme had equipped me with what I need to stay cool that can put into practice what I know in theory….I can a little bit, I don’t feel totally stressed out. I am a little bit worried, mainly because of the police following him, because I know he had done stuff before he went to jail this time, because he is a rubbish criminal that always gets arrested! But I do have a little bit of serenity floating around in my brain. If he has been arrested it’s not worth stressing about, it won’t change the situation, if he has fallen asleep he will call me tomorrow, if he has taken drugs it nothing to do with me – I will never be able to stop that. So there we have it, I am learning then! Doesn’t stop me from being concerned for the man I love not answering his phone, but he’s a free spirit as I am. He knows how it feels when my phone broke when he was in jail and i couldn’t answer his calls he got worried, he said so in his letters, that’s normal as is my concern now, but I will not allow myself to obsess about it.
So now I will go to bed with the hope I will hear from him tomorrow. If I do not then I come home and get on with my life, but I can not allow myself to fret about the unknown, as it solves nothing. Wait until you know the facts. And let’s be honest in the 3 years we have known each other, there has always been a good reason for him not answering his phone, true it’s mainly been that he has been arrested! But even when we weren’t together he has never not answered his phone, so sleep karen sleep, and in the words of frozen let it go let it go!

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