And so it went on, day after day, week after week month after month. He used to ‘borrow’ money from me all the time. Then every 2 weeks when his benefits came through, he would pay some of it back. Of course I never really got the money he owed me. By the time I had filled the car with fuel bought some food it was gone. He could be ‘borrowing’ well over £100 a week, so when his money came through he could never have afforded to give it me all back. But I got 24-36 hours respite from the lies and bullying. There was always another reason for getting another fix. The last lot of drugs were rubbish, he sneezed and blew it from the bag, he was chased by the police so swallowed it….blah blah blah…and yet I couldn’t leave. Once when we were screaming at each other I said it wasn’t the money that bothered me, oh boy was that a mistake! Partly it wasn’t, I just wanted him to understand that the more he used the more he WOULD have to use! Why couldn’t he see that. Again and again he would say I don’t like being like this I want to be off this shit, but it never happened. Then he would come out with the line well you said its not about the money so why are you being like this? It’s tunnel vision, of course. When he is in addiction all he can think of is how to get his next bag When he was away from the environment One or two days up at mine we might have a break from it a bit of normality, we even went on holiday a couple of times once to Cornwall camping and then to Eygpt for a week. So he could do it IF HE WANTED TOO! But it was taking its toll on my mental health. Back then I didn’t realise that I couldn’t change him. I thought if he loved me he would do it for me. He kept saying I only need to get into detox and then we can have a good life, and of course I believed it. Because that’s what I wanted more than anything ,still do! It wasn’t until I started my programme that I realised how I had got it so wrong. The enabling didn’t help him it hindered him. All he had to do was plead and beg and promise the impossible ( I won’t use tomorrow, I will go and see the drugs team tomorrow and get them to increase my methadone) and I always believed him. I Thank my HP that now I see the lies for what they are. It’s interesting that this time even though I know he is using and have even ‘leant’ him some money he knows that I know what the score is, I won’t take the BS that I did before. I have told him that now I know I can’t change him only he can do that, all I can do is remove myself from a situation that just makes me as sick as he is. I told him today he bullys me, trying to persuade me to give him money, when he knows I haven’t got any to give, that the promise of his benefits being paid tomorrow isn’t enough for me. All I feel is stressed and I no longer want to live in that state. Today I came home because I had to for work, but he is left to his own devises, and you know what? I am not stressing about it. Before I would have been scared he would break the law to get money, and that somehow it would be my fault because I couldn’t give him the means to pay. Today I don’t care. I care for him, I would be upset for him if he did something stupid and got arrested, but it’s not my fault. It’s not my business. Of course it’s hard to put into practice something I have learnt in theory. I won’t even say I have been successful, I haven’t, I have given in to him, more than once, but at least we both know that this time I am not responsible for his choices. Today because I had to come home unexpectedly he asked me for my bank account details, so that when he gets his money tomorrow he can pay me back the money he owes me. He said ‘I know if I don’t I won’t see you again’! That is a huge step forward for us both. Him taking responsibility to actually pay me back without me prompting him but also realising this time, I will walk away. It’s my only option, if he doesn’t get himself sorted out.
I have kinda left my journey again, but this blog has given me a way of putting down my thoughts in the now, in fact when I started writing it I didn’t expect for me and him to ever get back together. We haven’t really in my heart, I love the man I met, I even love the man that was in jail, but I hate the addict! So for me right now I have more barriers up than ever before. I had a break from it for 6 months and my programme has helped a lot.
Looking back I don’t know why I put up with the financial abuse that I did. I do not under any circumstances want to equate this to being with a man that is violent. It’s not the same at all, mentally tho there must be a parralle. When some one is loving and kind and supportive 80% of the time, the 20% that is spent screaming and shouting over £20 is pushed to the back of your mind. When the ask is wrapped up in love in the voice, the pleading voice that says love you know I don’t like asking or babe sorry to be a nuiceance but could you just lend me £20 you know I will give it you back ( even tho I knew he wouldn’t ). If I said no he wouldn’t leave it at that. He would go on and on please love come on I know you have it, I am not asking you to give it to me it’s only a borrow. If I tried to say no, I need that money to get to work, or I haven’t got it, I would get the same back again and again, come on they won’t send you anywhere I get my money tomorrow you will get it back, or you get your travel expenses in 2 days you have enough fuel ( not if they send me to Birmingham,) they won’t love come on. Sometimes it was just easier to give in and give him the money, and stress about it later if I got a call, but before I didnt understand that stressing about something that hadn’t happened yet was not good for me so I did stress. Thinking ahead to make some excuse if I got a job and couldn’t afford to get there! There was only a couple of times I couldn’t go to work because I had no money. Sometimes in the beginning work would pay my expenses early, but you don’t like asking too many times, it’s embarrassing. A week after pay day and no money! The lies and excuses I came up with were scandalous really. I had 2 loans from work, which I had to pay back of course monthly. Big loans the equivalent to my monthly salary. All spent on drugs! That’s about £5k!
And that was why it was so embarrassing I had a good job with very good money. About £2500 a month plus my weekly travelling expenses and I still had no money every month. Eventually I set up a second account. I had my wage paid into the new account and on pay day transferred the money into my other account to pay my bills. It was the only way of protecting my cash and to make sure my bills got paid. Later I set up a third on line account and would put money into that so if he took my cash card it looked like there was no money in my main account. That way at least I had a bit of money put by for later in the month. But more often than not we lived just off my travel expenses. My friend Ali, at that point wasn’t working, she has 2 kids and an ex husband that sometimes pays maintenance but often didn’t. She was on job seekers allowance and still had more money than me! She would invite me over for a drink at the weekend God I felt bad! I appreciated the fact she was helping me out, but felt so ashamed that I couldn’t even buy a bottle of cheap wine. She said time and time again, leave him, but I couldnt! I still to this day don’t understand the hold he has over me. I hated my life. But in the same breath wanted the man I met back, and the only way that would become reality was if I stayed with him, and got him into detox and rehab. Otherwise all this pain would have been in vain! So I hung on in there. Hoping all the time that he would get a place in detox……mmmm be careful what you wish for, sometimes what you have is better than what you think you want!