New year new us

What where when why??? Questions with no answers, promises that get broken, and truths that become lies. Life in addiction. We wake up this morning new year this is it! New year new meHeard it last year too but I smile and say I hope you achieve it. I told him about another blog I read. About an analogy of recovery. This guy had said it was like learning to drive. When you start all you can do is focus on the minute details that makes the car go and stop. The fear you feel not knowing if you can trust yourself to do what you know you have to do to get the car to drive. Recovery is like that. Hour by hour day by day week by week the concentration needed to stay clean not to relapse ( change gear not run into the back of the car in front) takes so much concentration that’s all you think about. But eventually you are driving down the motorway not even thinking about the process just keeping an eye on the road in front to make sure you see the brake lights in front…. If you don’t the the problems start and you could crash. Wise words I liked that analogy a lot. Made me understand a lot about recovery! Maybe my man will understand what I was trying to tell him. Maybe you will crunch the gears maybe you will go down a one way street in the wrong way, but eventually recovery is less on your mind and becomes second nature something you just have to remind yourself of. But for now it’s going to be exhausting and will be a full time job. I remember an old friend ( hope you don’t mind me saying this HG ) when she was learning to drive, she seemed in awe of me being able to do simple things like turning right or going round a roundabout. Didn’t give it a second thought but these things seemed huge to her! So I have to also remember that every hour or day he goes without using is a huge achievement. I shouldn’t be so selfish to think that he Can be ‘cured’ just because he has a few days or weeks off the drugs. If he relapses it’s not the end of the world. We all stall the car we all change into the wrong gear, we all don’t do the perfect hill start ( but H I still do lol ) at the end of the day it’s his journey not mine. All I can do is focus on my journey, my recovery. When we are both sober and straight no pressure of money or scoring I can tell him things like this. We both know and hate the cycle of addiction and the things we do and say. He is so focused on getting drugs and the money we scream and shout at each other until I give in. The light that a couple of you have mentioned to me is snuffed out there is no light. I hate that darkness of course I do! But out of that tunnel vision is a beautiful troubled man that I love. When like now he is clean and sober I can tell him how hard it is for me, that i am not trying to control him but myself. That the money isn’t the issue but the fact he is asking me. He shouldn’t pretend that he will give me the money back when he can’t afford it. When I can’t afford it! But when you live in that sort of relationship and love someone ( the good man not the addict ) it SSSOOOOO Hard to walk away! We have a saying in my fellowship, when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you come to us and change. When I came to the group I was looking for answers that the group couldn’t give me. I came for the wrong reasons but as most that join the group do have realised that it is only me that can make the change. Yes I have said it many times before…. But to totally remove myself from him
Is right now not an option for me. So maybe I haven’t reach my rock bottom or maybe I have had a break from it so it hadn’t got to breaking point again, but I do know I have learnt some stuff and I don’t want to go down that road again. He says he doesn’t too but relapse is only ever at best a lapse in concentration.

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4 thoughts on “New year new us

  1. The learning to drive analogy is really good for trying to understand it all. Ha ha about you driving n me learning! It’s true tho, second nature after a while, I hope K’s recovery becomes the same. Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I like that analogy with the car. At first fear is what kept me quiet, shyness kept me closed. I hear someone share that he was in a fight for his life. That secrets keep you sick and that sharing was the antidote. You have to do what is best for you. Just remember that there is always a choice. I admire your gusto. Thank you for sharing. Prayers sent for you both.

    Liked by 1 person

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