Changing behaviours

I suppose I have learnt a few things on my journey, the main one being I can’t change anyone’s behaviour but my own. As we approach the new year I experienced a lot of the old behaviours surface last night. Not only mine but his. He was being his usual affectionate self, this behaviour in the past was always followed by a hit for money. Last night was no exception. I always feel so upset by this sequence of events a lot of things go on in my mind. Feeling his arms around me stroking my arm cuddling me kissing me brings up a lot of lovely positive feelings I feel loved wanted, I believe he is showing me affection because he cares for me I start to relax basking in the warm glow that love brings. I also start to feel sexually awakened, but of course all those feelings are trodden on and shattered by the words that come from his mouth. He asks me for a ‘borrow’. Up til now even though I had my suspicions that he was using, well no I knew he was using, he hadn’t really bothered me for money. I had tried of course to persuade him not to use. All the good work he had done 4 weeks off that shit because he was in a controlled environment was easy. But now we are back in his home town so he can get his meds daily his old behaviours come back. I say no – I will give it you back he says – that’s not the point I say. He thinks me not giving in to his demands is me trying to control him. He really doesn’t understand that I don’t want to enable him. It’s not about controlling him, it’s about me controlling myself. Why can’t he see that. Why do I feel as though I am the bad one, that I am punishing him because I won’t give in to his demands. Why can’t I stick to my resolve. He’s clever of course, he knows I care for him love him, and waits until he has made sure I have had a couple of cans of lager so my resolve is weakened. I can’t explain what it feels like when someone you love is pleading promising you everything. When the lies trip off the tongue, just one love I won’t use tomorrow I will give you the money back, why can’t he understand it’s not the money, it’s the fact he wants to use that I don’t want to pay for. I know that I have to walk away. I should go now that he is out of the flat, but want to say good bye. I want to believe that he wants to be with me and not in addiction. He does, but once he has started to use he can’t stop. Unless he is out of this town. And I can’t stop unless I am away from him. Humanity stops me from leaving him with no food no phone no money. That’s because I love the person not the addict. But I know in my heart he is an addict, always will be so the only thing I can change is myself. He got a FB message from his ‘step daughter’ yesterday. She understands it and told him get off that shit you have someone that loves you and has stood by you. Her mum died when he was doing a stretch in prison a few years ago. She said don’t let my mum have died in vain. She wouldn’t want you to be using and in jail. Clever girl. I don’t think it had the effect she wanted, or indeed I want. But I thank her for saying it. So that monkey I was talking about along with the big top has landed right outside my door! Actually the monkey is swinging about in my front room, feeding itself from my food store.
I think right now I feel like addicts probably do. I don’t want to do what I do but I do. I hate my self for it. I want to walk away and stop this madness that is about to take control of two lives again. I know it’s wrong. I want to remove myself from it but not the man. And there in lies the problem. I know for my own sanity the only escape I have is to walk away. I also know that if I could get him away from this god forsaken town that gives him what he wants so easily maybe just maybe he could stay off the heroin and we could get on with our lives. Am I in denial? No I don’t think I am, is he? Very possibly. Thinks that just one hit won’t hurt, but I know one becomes two, becomes three, and there we are back on the addiction treadmill. I wish I could say something to make him understand without him thinking I am trying to control him. But maybe I am? I think I am trying to stop him from using. Of course! But not by not giving him money, but for him to have the self worth to want to do it for himself.
I want someone to lift me out of this horrible place but know I am the only one that can do it, so like the addict I am stuck in a situation I don’t want to be in, but also know I have to find the strength to get out. My head is racing, how can I abandon him, it won’t stop him from using will it. All I will feel is guilt and stress about if he is dead or alive or in jail. If I am with him at least I know he is being fed and is safe and is with me. So like the addict I ask myself why did I go back to him, why didn’t I stay away from the thing that I have no control over. Have I learnt anything then? Well yes I have learnt I have no control over his addiction only my behaviour, but like the addict sometimes it’s impossible to control.

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2 thoughts on “Changing behaviours

  1. Thank you for sharing. You give me so much insight to how my addiction affected those around me. I am sorry that you have to go through all this. I want to tell you that it will be alright but the truth is If nothing changes then nothing changes. I used to think that a change in geography would stop me from using so I tried it and you know what all It did was give me a new set of using friends and a new dealer. My madness didn’t stop until I was ready to surrender, Until I understood that I had no power over my addiction and my life was really unmanageable. I will keep you in prayer my fried. There is a light at the end of the tunnel but don’t miss the light that is shining in the tunnel showing you the way out.

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  2. ‘Don’t miss the light that is shining in the tunnel showing you the way out’. Nothing’s changed. If you stay he will use, if you leave he will use. You deserve someone who thinks of you sometimes… Not your circus not your monkey… Remember ? If you have the strength to walk away have NO guilt. He chose to use, that shows you he has no resolve to stop. Heroin is more important than you. Oph that seemed a harsh thing to write. It is not my decision and it’s much easier here on the outside looking in but…. But…. I wish you all the strength you need to create a better future. Xxx

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