It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

well it’s been a very stressful few days…some of it my own doing but also his behaviour. I would like to say we got thro Christmas with out any problems but I cant. I am uncertain of his motives, the first couple of days we were cool, we even had fun and laughed quite a lot. But then because my phone shows all his activity on FB, I get jealous cos he has been looking up the ex girlfriend. You haven’t read the story yet of the girl he left me for before when he was in rehab, so bear with me!  He says its so he can get his stuff back, but really would she still have it after 4 months? Have looked at his fb account shes not on his friends list, he sent her a  freinds request in the last 48 hours. She hasn’t responded. But she had sent him a message, I could only see the first line on my phone, and it was something about why didn’t you respond to my messages guess you got money…. He’s not very well at the moment, the community drugs team made us wait far too long on Christmas Eve so from release of prison to getting his methadone, it’s was over 24 hours since he had had his medication. I assume at some point he used heroin! He went off a couple of times whilst i waited in the flat. I had to give him the benefit of the doubt, he didn’t ask me for money, but I think he used, he couldn’t have been ‘so well’ other wise. Well no actually that’s not true. I know he used, he said he had to. I was livid but reminded my self that this was not my monkey  not my circus! I was also saddened by his lack of resolve but just asked him not to under any circumstances take anything to my parents house. They had asked him if he wanted to come with me for Christmas, incredibly good of them given the situation, but I wish in some ways they hadn’t. I could have left him to his own devices, and justified leaving him. But even though he said he didn’t want to go changed his mind. It was in fairness all last minute, he was very embrasrassed to go there, that possibly added to his excuse to use, in fact that did come up when I challanged him about his choices. Well if I wasn’t going to your mums I wouldn’t have too! That was not accepted as an excuse as far as I was concerned that was him just justifying it for himself, but of course he believed it that and the fact he was without his meds for so long.

Without sounding as though I am concurring with his choice, it seems very unreasonable to make some one on a methadone script to wait over 24 hours for his meds. He said that he wasn’t given any meth at prison before discharge. I don’t know if that was true. I also don’t know how much gear  he bought. I don’t know if he has used every day, I begged him not to take anything to my parents, and God forbid if  he did.  I don’t think he has today but not so sure about yesterday. I take him home tomorrow, he has to stay at home for 2 days, and is due to come back here for New Years eve. I might stay there I might not. He has no money now, so hopefully I am just being over sensitive reading into things, things I shouldnt. Tomorrow I have to be stronger than a ny other time. Because tomorrow I have to walk away. It has to be a new year new start, I am not can not go back to how it was. But in the same breathe I have to believe he isn’t using, and it’s just my paranoia that’s making this so difficult. One of my shortcomings brought on by his addiction is lack of trust in him. I want to believe him and do believe when he was in prison really believed he would come out and be happy and clean, but because he is still on methadone seems to think that if he hasn’t got it he can use heroin as a substitute??? I am not an addict, but even to me that seems to be just the piss poorest excuse of using I have heard. But as I say I am not the addict here, he is, it’s his body. Not my monkey not my circus!  but the monkey is about to run away from the circus, I think, and heading for my door again, and I don’t know if I can leave it out in the snow with no shelter or food.

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