I am feeling a little bit apprehensive right now. This time tomorrow K could be out of jail. By some miracle of compassion and kindness my family have said that I can bring him home with me for Christmas. Of course I am extremely grateful for this act of generosity and goodwill. I don’t know if he will accept. He should! His own family don’t want him around. My old behaviours and feelings are starting to creep back. I have to do a lot of reading over the next few hours to keep my self in check. I am projecting again all the what ifs scenarios playing about in my brain. What if he doesn’t get a methodone script for the weekend and has to stay in Macc over the Christmas time. Alone? What I should be thinking is ok he might have to stay alone in the place that’s easiest for him to get drugs, but, I have to trust he wants to do this and stay in recovery this time. If he does relapse that is not my doing, it’s the disease he lives with. Ultimately it makes no difference where he is if it’s going to happen it will. Only he has control over it. But part of me also thinks that if he does get his script and comes with me and he has a few days stablity that will help him in the recovery journey. I know as he is released the hardest part of the journey is the next 72 hours, but have to remind myself it’s not my business it’s not my job to watch him 24/7. Enabling financially is one thing, and I have control over that, but taking on his responsibilities for his own actions and choices is not my place.
If you are reading this pray for us please, pray for him to have found the courage and strength to really want to do it this time, pray for me to have the courage and strength to walk away if he doesn’t.
I hate thinking negatively but I also understand the disease that we are living with. The harsh truth, is for 20 years he has failed to stay off the heroin for any length of time unless he is inside a jail. I have to wonder if this time is going to be any different. 😔