Desperatly seeking….part 2

So I walk into town, my head was racing I didn’t know what to do for the best. Had he been pulled over in the car? Had the police arrested him? Had they impounded  my car somewhere? If he had been pulled over he wouldnt have said anything to the police about it being my car, what the hell was I going to say when I got there? I didn’t want to but couldn’t see any way out of this, I needed my car back I also needed to know if was locked up somewhere. I would have to get the money to get it out somehow, more stress….but like I have said before one of the symptoms of my addiction was prempting what could be rather than focus on what was. When you live with someone else’s addiction you become obsessed with what ifs and the worse scenarios. They rarely come true, but you can’t help the negative thinking. As I got closer to the police station I decided to go to the bank, I have 2 accounts so thought if I could transfer the money from the account with the card he had I could at least access some money. I didn’t have that much but there was about £80 gone. My heart sank, I needed that money and so asked the cashier to transfer what was left into the other account, at least then if he tried to get any more out he couldn’t. I went down to the police station, and more or less said the first thing that came into my head. Have you arrested K? And you are? His girlfriend, I didn’t want to say too much, the last thing I wanted to do was get him into trouble. But I needed my car back. So I said look he went out in my car this morning and hasn’t come back. I am worried for him and the car. Has he got your permission to drive it? Yes. Is he insured to drive it? No 😔 well if we stop him he will be arrested for no insurance and as you have given him permission you will be charged too, and the car will be impounded and you will have to pay to get it out, once you produce your documents (great they are at my house 80 miles away I think to my self and no car to get there ) well that’s the risk I will have to take I say. We will phone you if we find him or the car what’s your number? He has my phone 😫 well someone will come round to the house, they didn’t ask the address – they knew it, well!

I still had to tell work I don’t know why I didn’t just phone and say I was ill. But because my head was so mixed up and I was so ill, I couldn’t think like a normal person would think. I am pretty honest and lying is not easy for me, but when you live in addiction lying becomes normal, covering up for his addiction was an every day thing, became normal for me. I think as we were so skint and I probably hadn’t eaten for a couple of days, plus the whole enormity of him and my car missing I couldn’t think straight. I found a business card in my purse and found a pay phone. I called and gave them some bullshit story about how someone had run into the back of my car. That didn’t feel as though it was enough so then decided to say that when I got out of the car to check the damage one of them had got into my car and stolen my bag? I have no idea why I said it, but I was desperate, I thought if they thought I was somehow a victim of some crime they might have more sympathy, this is the madness of addiction.

Once I had got that out the way I went back to the house and waited, and waited, and waited….I can’t tell you how I felt. I was devasted, exhausted, confused, scared. Just not knowing if he was alive, that was the most important thing for me. The car and phone could be replaced, but my man couldn’t. I just didn’t know what to think anymore. He had never disapeared like this before unless he had been arrested. After what had felt like an enternety I heard the front door open, please let it be him, when he opened the door to his room the relief flooded over me. Oh your still here, well you had my car what  the hell has happened? He was limping they had me love took me up into the hills threaten me I had to drive them round all day….I didn’t really care and the words just became just that words, he was telling me something I couldn’t make sense of, they had threatened him with a hammer he owed them money, I think I zoned out…I couldn’t hear the words. He was home that’s all I cared about. I had to tell him about the police, where’s the car? I asked  Out the front he says . I told the police it was missing. Move it round the back then he says. I don’t remember which of us moved it but about 10 minutes later the police arrived at the house. Your car is around the back. Yes I say I know. I gave them some bullshit story about it must have been there all the time, it wasnt we checked he says. Well it’s back now. Is K here? Yes, appeared the same time as the car did he? Oh I don’t know I said he came back and the car was round the back all the time. It wasn’t we checked like we say. Well I dont know it’s here now so thanks. Well let’s just say we know your registration now so will be watching who’s driving. Ok thanks I say.

It was months later just before he went into rehab that the truth came out. Or at least his version of the truth. He took the car in the morning and went off on a bender. He said he thought about killing himself, I dont know if that bit is true, but he wasn’t taken by drug dealers, he wasn’t threatened, he chose to take my car and my money, and gave no thought to how I would be feeling, but I excused it because that’s the nature of both of our addictions. We sometimes have no control Of our actions. That is something I have learned in my journey of recovery. Addiction changes your reality. Whether you are drug user or an enabler, our behaviour is not normal. Our relationship was toxic. We loved each other I think he loved the fact he didn’t have to break the law ( too much) to get his fix. I loved the man I had met and wanted him back. But the  life we were living was crazy and not emotionally stable. I didn’t want to live the life I was living but I didn’t want to be without him either, so if course I forgave him once again