After my birthday his usage increases to at least once a day, depending on money we could be spending £60 a day. one day I gave him over £100 it was taking its toll on my bank account. And of course the more he used the more he needed. I remember one time about 10 days after pay day going to the bank and there was nothing there, I was over my overdraft limit thankfully if I remember rightly it was a Wednesday I got my weekly travel expenses paid on the Thursday so it wasn’t the end of the world, but I felt an enormous sense of panic, I had let him down 😳 what would he think of me he needed to get sorted I felt panic in my heart and soul. I suppose that was the first sign of my addiction, the panic not being able to make it right for him, so there it is my confession to my addiction! I am still struggling to accept it for what it is. But back then I didn’t even know such a thing existed! I have learnt that from Nar ANON. Co dependency! I still am in a bit of denial that I was codependent or in a codependant relationship. Surely wanting to make someone you love feel better when they are ill is normal isn’t it? If he had flu or something no one would call it co dependency if I pop down to tescos and buy some lemsip! What’s the difference to going out and buying a substance that will make him feel better?
we were skint most of the time. But got by, most weeks with his money every two weeks my expenses evey week we had enough money for me to get to work and for him to get at least one bag a day. But that was about it! We often didn’t have food, I lost a fair bit of weight, I wasn’t complaining but I was hungry a lot of the time. It made it difficult to concentrate not good in my job, but his needs always came before mine. In my head it was the right thing to do, to make sure that the man I loved was as well as he could be. I didn’t know how damaging that was. That in the long term I was making it worse. I didn’t have any idea.
Soon enough this became my reality. I would go to work go to his house go out to get what he needed cook for him and go home, to walk and feed the dog. Weekends at mine. A little while later he wanted me to stay over. The fuel for my car was expensive it was money wasted I guess in his head, money we could spend on other things! I think the round trip at that time was £20 fuel at that time was running at about £1.48 a litre. I didn’t want to leave my dog at home he was old and on medication, so it wasn’t fair. He said for me to bring him over, so if I had a job in the morning in his area I would take my dog with me and go to his and sleep over. it was nice to be able to stay with him, but it wasn’t the best set up. A snoring dog, a single bed and a house with 4 other people and one bathroom! But we were so much in love I don’t think we really noticed. He was at his best with me then, loving attentive respectful grateful always saying thank you if I helped him out with money. I remember we watched a programme on the TV about addicts in America it was a Ross Kemp investigates thing, and addicts were talking very openly about taking heroin and crack and I ended up crying. The way they talked about those drugs! That hit me hard one of them said they know they could die but can’t stop. This is what I was living with. ,’whats wrong love?’ He asked….’ I can’t compete with that, this is what you are like, this must be what you are thinking, you can’t stop and I can’t do anything to stop it’ he was quiet for a bit hugged me kissed me looked into my face and said ‘I will get help I will go CDT ( community drugs team) and get off it’