I hadn’t had anything to drink but felt high, and I mean really high. I had him here at last we were together. The thought of drugs didn’t come into my head. Because he had told me about the drug dealers running him over in a car and breaking his back it made sense to me that he needed pain killers or Valium to relax. That first night was emotional to say the least. He phoned his brother to say was in Lancaster ended up in tears he felt so devastated because he lost his job. He was saying over and over he always destroys anything good in his life. When something good happens he does something to destroy it to kill it. He was so low. It was so difficult I was on one hand so happy to have him with me but so upset to see him in this state. He was such a good man why did he feel so bad about himself? In hindsight now because this had happened too many times before, he was given a chance to get his life on track but the Eastern Temptress always called him and he couldn’t say no to her!
At this stage of our relationship we talked about everything, well I talked about everything, felt I could be as honest and open as I wanted. I told him how I felt about him what I thought about him I poured out all my feelings for him, in a hope he would feel better about himself. I told him not to feel bad about himself and what had happened that things would be ok that he would get another job. He said he was tired so we went to bed.
The sequence of events is now a bit vague, but I think he stayed for a couple of days, before saying he needed to get more pain killers. I was working, of course, but might not have had any work on that day, but we ended up going back to Macclesfield. I dropped him off and I think went to a job, and picked him back up and came back home. Around this time he was offered a room in a shared house. The relationship he had had with the girl that died had been ‘volatile’. She threw him out and took him back then threw him out again and again, so he was justifiably worried I would do the same. I told him again and again I wouldn’t, no matter what he did, but he accepted the room. I was disappointed but we took his stuff back and he moved in. The room was tiny. There was a single bed and a wardrobe. I went back home.
I think at this stage he was just ‘dabbling’ a hit now and again. He wasn’t asking me for money all the time. My birthday was coming up it was the big 50 I was totally not looking forward to it. It sounded just so old!
Not only that I had originally made plans to have a party but in the afternoon had planned on getting a limo and going for afternoon tea in a posh hotel with family and a 5 close friends. There was only room in the limo for 9 so this meant K wouldn’t have been able to come with us. I also didn’t think it would be his sort of thing so ended up not booking it. Also it would have been over £200 for us all and All of a sudden I didn’t have any free cash! At this point K hadn’t given me any of the money back that I had ‘leant’ him. I was traveling back and forth to Macclesfield after work then traveling home, my bank account was empty! But I had booked a band and arranged for food at the pub so that had to happen!
Also because I had the dog I had to go home. I had booked a week off work and my party was the weekend before my birthday because one of my friends was working the weekend of my birthday. This had been sorted out months before in fact I think it might have been booked before I even met Karl. So I had booked the full week off. Mum said she would take my old boy ( the dog) back with them because I planned on going somewhere the week I was off. I hadn’t booked anywhere but it was my 50th so wanted to do somthing even if I had no cash! The Friday before the party I finished work and went to pick him up.
As far as I remember everything was good. In the morning I had to get my hair cut my sister was arriving Early afternoon. When I got back he said love I really don’t want to be here, I don’t want to meet your family.
WHAT!!!? Sorry love I just feel really stressed about it. Ok well I haven’t the time to take you back to Macclesfield and get back here cos my sister is coming. Ok he says well can we go and see someone I knew in rehab he might be able to get me some vali’s to chill me out? Where is he? Oh in Lancaster. Ok I thought fair enough.
we went into town he knew roughly where the guy lived but had no phone number for him. Eventually after about an hour we tracked him down. K said he needed some white, I assumed he meant tablets Valium, can’t help you said the guy. Now what? My sister was due. We will have to go to mac! No love we can’t my sister is coming I need to be at home. About a minute after I said it she rang….where are you? Erm just in town the back door is unlocked let yourself in I will be there soon sorry! My god I felt like shit. His behaviour was now having an impact on me and my arrangements I can’t let my family down. I have issues relating to how I was brought up. But not failing is a big thing in my makeup! Babe I have to go home my sister is here, well if you want me to come to your party you have to help me! Fuck my head was racing, it was a 3 hour trip to Mac and back, my parents would be arriving before then. You will have to take my car and get what you need I was in panic mode. I wanted him there I was so proud of him and wanted to show him off. I suppose a little bit of me wanted to show off my younger boyfriend! Yeah look at me I can get a younger drop down gorgeous boyfriend ( ego is a terrible thing,) that by having him as my fella meant I somehow had made it! I was very fucked up but didn’t see it til I just wrote that! He didn’t have a licence this was a massive risk for me giving him my car, but I wanted him there but couldn’t take him. He wouldn’t even take me home just dropped me off so I had a 10 minute walk home. My poor sister had been there for an hour! I made some lame excuse that karl needed some pain killers but we couldn’t get them without prescription so he had now gone back to Macclesdfield.
i think I am probably portraying him in a very poor light given that at this stage as far as I was concerned he could do no wrong! As will be said again and again on this blog hindsight is a gift!
My parents arrived before he got back but he arrived about an hour later he turned up. He was very shy but once the initial meeting was over he was his usual chatty lovely self. My parents loved him! Mum and dad were staying in a hotel so they got off to get changed and book in and I got ready to go out.
I would like to say my party was a great success but I won’t it came and went. K doesn’t actually drink very much so I tried to keep a check on my drinking too. I had a fairly good time. People seemed to enjoy them selves. I had planned to meet up with some friends the next day but karl wanted to go back to Macclesfield. I think even at this point I didn’t know he was using again. We needed some money but my account was empty. I didn’t get paid for another week. I was so upset I couldn’t understand where my money could have gone to. In the end I borrowed £100 from N&N but they were cross because I wasn’t coming out with them. I felt so ashamed having to ask my friends for money, but I needed it. No he needed it!
So back to Macc we went. He was canny I will give him that. He took me to the pub before he went off to score. You have a drink love I have to just have to go and see someone to get some more pain killers. I sat and waited he was ages. I should say my parents had been round in the morning and had taken my dog home I hadn’t left him, incase you were thinking!
I should say that in my other job I got my travel expenses paid every Thursday. You have no idea how that money got us through! But it was Sunday and thankfully i had the week off so we had a hundred quid to get me to til Thursday.
I had a week with my love what more could I want! It seemed it wasn’t to be though. His brother had some work for him. Great 😩 a week in Macc no money and no man! I was gutted. I should have gone home but for what reason? I didn’t have any money it would take £20 of fuel to get home just not worth it.
But you know what that week was lovely, well as lovely as a week in a single bed with a 6footer can be lol.
He was a real gentleman, made me a brew every morning and tried to get me to have toast, he really looked after me. I had never had a boyfriend that was so thoughtful before. And right then at that time I think he really did love me. He was attentive spoke to me with respect he was kind and just looked after me generally. I think that week was one of the happiest we had. Before the addiction kicked in for us both, mine with him and his with opiates. We had only been really together again about a month but it felt like so much had happened and that every week was like a month every day a week, and when we were apart every hour a day. He was so loving towards me I felt I would do anything for him.