My life in his addiction

So I have covered the background. This is where it starts for real. This is the bit that took me into the world of drugs and crime, of court cases and heart ache. Of  an illness that crept up slowly and i hadn’t even realised how sick I had become until my rock bottom was reached. Whilst we were living in our co-dependent world we were in denial that we were addicted or that there was a problem, this state took 2 years to reach and is the state that I am battling every day to control.

To cut a long story short it was towards the end of September when I got a call on Sunday morning. It was ? Can I see you? Why? What’s the point we want different things…No he says I have a job I am getting a flat I can give you what you want. K I have a stinking hangover I only got to bed at 4 I don’t think I can drive. Pleeeeze he says it will be worth it! I can give you what you want. All those feelings for him I had tried to surpress came to the surface, I had the chance to get him back how can I say no? Where? Come to Macclesfield. Macclesfield I don’t even know where Macclesfield is! It turned out to be an hour and a halfs drive away – and I didnt want to be with him when he was in Liverpool! I set off and he called me when I was about half an hour from home. I had arranged to meet him at 2 I didn’t have a clue how long it would be at that point to get there, he thought an hour so it was after one when I left. Where are you? On the motorway-  I am at the Packhorse ( where we arranged to meet) well it won’t be another hour before I get there according to the sat nav! I’ll wait – you better!

God bless him he did wait he was freezing. I am not sure I would have waited outside for an hour but he did. He got in the car and tried to kiss me. I half backed away. What you doing? We aren’t back together yet I say. You’ve had your hair cut you look nice  he says, yes, so where are we going? He gave me directions to a pub the other side of Macclesfield, I got to know this area very well over the next few months, but had no idea where I was. As we were on the way he started telling me that he  hadn’t got the flat yet, but had somewhere to stay, but needed to pay some money down. He said I know I am a nuisance but I don’t get paid until next week, is there any chance I could borrow £20 to pay for this room? I told him I only had £10 on me, I had a bit more, but we are by now going into the pub. I bought us some drinks and we sat down. He was chatty telling me about his job, it was over in Winsford where his sister lived. He had stopped at his other sisters the night before, he said something about I should buy him a ring now we were back together. In my head it was like a ring? What does he mean he wants us to be together does he mean like an engagement ring? I laughed and said yeah in your dreams….but that seed had been sown! So he says that money? I am sorry to ask but I really need to get off and sort this room out for tonight. I took the tenner out and was really shocked by his reaction, he became a bit aggressive not in a bad way but seemed irritated- I told you I need twenty! Yes I said but that’s all I have, well we better go to the cash point and get me some more I need to pay for this room or I will loose it. Ok ok I say, but we have just bought the drinks, well you take me to the cash point and come back we will tell them we are coming back, ok that seemed reasonable I thought. My emotions were all over the place, I didn’t feel comfortable giving him the money they way he asked for it but I loved this man so much and wanted to be with him. So off we went. I got out £20 and gave it to him. He said you go back to the pub and I will sort this out and come back ok? And thanks love and kissed me.

I sat waiting what seemed like ages, I drank my pint. I wasn’t sure I could risk another one but was feeling really rough. I can’t remember if I txt him or not but he came back shortly after. No apology for keeping me waiting but I just wanted to go home and get to bed. I also should have been meeting N&N and had texted them to say I had met Karl and would see them the next weekend that was the start of the end of my friendship with them. Putting him first. Although at this stage I was thinking about me really and what I wanted!

Babe I know I am a nuisance but can you give me a lift to Windsford? I need to get my stuff . Where’s windsford? Not far. Ok. So off we go it was far! I don’t know exactly but probably 20 miles away.

The next 3 or 4 weeks are now a bit of a blur, but I do remember taking him to Windsford and dropping him off. Then another time meeting him there possibly the next weekend and him borrowing another £50. He then told me he had lost his job. He said he had been out the night before and couldn’t be bothered getting up he was upset and down and asked if he could come up and stay with me for a few days. Wow this was moving fast! By now he had ‘borrowed’ about £150. I had absolutely no idea that he has started using, he always had a great explanation for the money.

We had met in Winsford and I took him to his sisters house to get his stuff. He was moving in with me! He wanted to be with me he said he loved me I was so happy! My dreams had come true! I had my man he wanted to be with me and we could live happily ever after. I was so blind I didn’t see what going on in front of me! But then again I didn’t know what I was looking for! The thought that he might be using drugs again didn’t even enter my head. He was still the man I had met when he was sober in rehab he was funny charming humble grateful even when I helped him out with money. Once his things were in the car he asked if we could go to Mac first. ‘What for?’ I just need to get some pain killers my back is really playing up. Oh ok. So off to Mac we go. A few phone calls and arrange to go to a flat. I stay in the car. He was gone ages. he comes back with a very dodgy looking bloke drinking a can of tenants! Babe I know I am nuisance but I really need to get these pain killers but I have to buy them can I borrow £20, and can we give this guy a lift he knows where I can get them. I was not happy but agreed after all we were going home. I had my man! I was so ecstatically happy about that, giving some skank a lift so my man could get some pain killers was a small thing to do in the great scheme of things.

We went into town and parked up they disappeared down some alley. They came back and he asked me to give the guy a lift back, so I did. That had been my first visit to the Moss estate, an area I would get to know very well! Thanks for the Valium he says to the guy. No worries bro see ya. Thanks for the lift, yeah no worries!

Valium? I thought he wanted painkillers! He seemed spaced out, he was moving really slowly picking at some invisible lint on his jeans. You ok? I ask yeah babe lets go.

So he came home with me spaced out on heroin and crack and I had absolutely no idea!


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